9:14 a.m. - 2021-09-14
When I tell people I hate Florida, I get all sorts of responses. None good. I am here because there are family members I need to be close to. During my search for peace and contentment I pretty much avoided being a good family member. It was survival of the fittest and I was only interesting in keeping my head above water. Now that I have figured out how the world works, I find I have all the tools to keep things running smoothly, if I just use them.
I have traveled nearly 10k miles in the last six months. It was incredible and educational and also tiring and scary at times.
I look back at the pictures that I took and I'm stunned that I don't remember doing a lot of it all that well. I tend to gravitate toward scenery and camping during my trips, but not extended hikes. I take hoards of pictures to post on facebook so that I can have memory books printed and at least remember when I look back.
The last week I suffered. I left my cpap mask in the hotel room in Minneapolis, and i'm guessing that was the major reason. I don't sleep well these days without it. I used it as much as I was able. It took a week to get it back and now I am struggling with finding the best fit and keeping it on as much as possible. I'm also gathering things to make water kefir and I hope that will be good for my stomach. I can't keep buying kombucha at $2.50 to $5 a pop. I tried some commercial kefir and it was ok, but I"m not sure the lavender and lemon verbena was my flavor.
I've been following some folks on tiktok that I really admire. Homesteaders. It puzzles me how I could be so drawn to all that but I did spend a lot of time in the woods when I was young. It was the safe place to be. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that the woods call to me the way that they do. The ocean is nice to look at and I enjoy it from time to time, but my soul just soars in the mountains, and hills of green. I hope that I do get to live out my dream of finding a little piece of land to call my own and making a sanctuary there.
I miss the Wisconsin family. I never knew how to fit in correctly in any situation except the craig days. I fit in there pretty well for 15 years. Now that I am retreating from most humans more and more, I have to make sure I fill my life with things that make me happy. I believe I should drive up to Merritt Island soon to the wildlife preserve and spend some time. It is best early though, and I do not like early. It is earlier now that I usually get up but I am trying to adhere to more of a conducive schedule to good mental health! I will walk in a few minutes before it gets too awful out. I have to keep moving.
I got home the Thursday night before Labor Day. Slid in just under the wire. And I've slowly begun to put things away in their proper place. Consolidating three places has been a job. to put away in a tiny mobile home (I'm guessing 12 x 56? One bathroom. It is beginning to look like a hippie haven. I have stuff everywhere but tucked away pretty much. I just got this taptop and it will make things better for writing.
I hate spending money. I literally told the best buy girl, I am cheap as hell. I save money on stuff like this so that I can do things like car camp across the U.S. on a shoestring, attend the concerts I want to see, etc. I have no shame buying anything second hand, saving where I can. Has it blown up in my face from time to time? Yes. But more times than not, I just save a ton of money I don't need to spend. LIving out of my SUV, for the time that I did, taught me that space is precious and in order to be healthy in my world, it needs to be somewhat orderly. I can smell yucky smells coming out from under my poor little home as I sit here and write. I don't know how long I will have this place, how durable it will be, but it has been here for 50 years so far. I put fragrance enhancers in here and there and just deal with the occasional intrusive mustiness. It cost me 10K. I put 5K into it to shore up some aesthetics. I have done little else and it provides me with a cozy place close to the beach and pool and nice workout room etc. $550 a month, which is about 250 more than I paid in Wisconsin but I'm ok with that. It IS Florida. And If I had my druthers, I wouldn't even be here. So I feel this is the most economical thing I can do and have a little control over my world. I found while camping that I could not do the nomad thing non-stop. I was weary, and I believe two months will be my limit. I plan on making an east coast trip in April or May, all the way to Maine. See the adirondacks on the way back.
The only real fear I have in life is not living long enough to enjoy my life that took so long to find. I spun my wheels during childhood/teens just trying to stay out of my abusive family situation as much as possible. Married at almost 18 to get away. Several divorces later, I realize that I am just too damaged to WANT to be a partner to anyone. I am a natural codependent nurturer, and I'm fighting that too, after a bout with a sociopath narcissist. I want to volunteer. At Sugar Mill Gardens. I want to conrol my environment as much as possible. While I want to be in the woods, I can "pretend" to be homesteading in my little village right here. Embrace it and make it as welcoming as possible and then if I do decide to sell at some point, I have something cozy to present.
Canna coffee kicking in, cool breezes won't last. Off to work on my car interior.
I want an animal so badly. I have to get beyond at least the next trip before I even consider that. For the first time though, I feel I can be a responsible pet owner. Damn, I spent so much of my life trying to prevent being abused or hurt, I had nothing to give many other folks or animals. I don't want to overextend, but I do think I'm close to being ready for a dog. NO more companions though, I've gotten myself into quite a comfortable life and I have no energy for taking care of anyone or being in someone's space full time.