11:14 p.m. - 2021-09-14
Ramblings, Rain, and avoiding Ruin. Lovely evening outside, even in Florida.
I promised myself I would adhere to a healthier schedule. I know my body needs a few things after the road trip.
1. Cpap. That week without it was a nightmare.
2. Some accomplishments every day. (of course this is regulated by my overthinking judgmental mind). Today was a red letter day! I rose at a decent hour, had my canna coffee and got some more sorting accomplished. Short walk. Watched another Sopranos episode. The primary thing I need is to get out in nature! In whatever form. I sat outside in my comfy rocker on the drive listening to my great new old school full ear covering headphones. I'm just someone who wants to block everything out but the music. For example: It is raining and I'm on my screen porch and I can not hear it with the headphones and music on.
I did other things, but as the evening fades I have consumed some peach herbal tea, infused with coco-canna oil and a splash of half and half. I added a teaspoon of the organic raw cane sugar I ordered to make water kefir soon. It was subtle and quite nice. I only used a teaspoon of the oil. Mixed it up well with a small whirrrrrrr. I can't remember the name of the little utensil, but it came with some really nasty protein powder I ordered and ended up throwing out.
I set up some treasures to set the mood outside tonight. When I finished, of course I posted to facebook. I made a couple of very granny level TikToks, and I primarily do it because I wish I could have access to my family in that way now that they are no longer here. I do have a dvd of Dad, if I have not destroyed it in my journeys. These things matter to me. I do not know if they do to others. I have pieces of me all over the universe, as well as woven throughout many lives. I'm just that person.
I looked at those little trinkets I put on the table and chuckled to myself. I was going to throw every one of them out. And then the feels set in. The large container I'm using for a candle holder now, held so many rocks from so many kayak trips, or camping trips or just walks along Lake Michigan during the five years I was as close to it as I now am, to the ocean here.
The Candy Corn rocks were also found in Sheboygan, most likely by the lake or Maywood. I was in both spots frequently. The final item in the mix, is a quirky art thing I bid on at a silent auction and won. The cord on it is very short so it can be a challenge. I've decided drawing the cord through the table on the porch and using some of my heavy extension cords will suffice for now. And being very aware of where I put my feet. This art piece, when plugged in, spins and the form is sort of planetary, would be the only way I can describe it. Sort of like those things you put out in the yard that spin. But this one slowly turns. I really did not want to take it. And here it was making me feel some kind of way.
I am so grateful for everything. Camping out of my SUV toughened me up to so many things. I gained so much, in so many ways. Being adaptive comes very easy to me now. Huge plus these days. I'm not going to let fear rule my life. I love life, I love nature, I love interacting (at arm's length) with folks. I have enough friends and family who love me. I feel very very fortunate.
The worst thing about me right now is my constant trimming and refining the list of people I want to spend time with. The list gets shorter every day. I wonder how healthy that is? It feels like survival to me? My daughter said "that's not reality." and I asked her, should I go for reality if this feels good do I need to subject myself to pain just to stay in the "real world"? I see myself more and more as a hermit out in the woods if I'm allowed a good ten years more.
All I know for sure is from where I'm sitting, I think I have a pretty decent gig. My place was so inexpensive, and the lot rent isn't a lot. It is freedom and I do not care at all where I live. There are areas just on the outside of this neighborhood that are not as nice. I do not see any real issues here except so many of us are old, you never know who will get sick or pass. That's the reality I face now. I'm an old fart. But I vow to work on my Karen streak. I want to be the person who doesn't speak up with an opinion on much of anything. I want peace. Nothing much has changed for me since the 60's or 70's. I still love the simple things, a sunrise and most definitely camping. IN A TENT! As long as I am able. I love the feeling of being snug inside, seeing stars above, having such an easy and quick little home for a couple nights. Now car camping with a tent in tow will be my plan for a bit. So far it works. For a bit!
The thing I need is not to binge on anything. Food, media, lazyness. I need more of a plan, but I do not see myself returning to the work force unless it is an absolute must. I would melt away, I'm such a snowflake now.
I never wanted to be a boss. I'm a worker bee, not very self directed. I need to get buzzing. Otherwise, I will spend way too much time watching whatever and eating whatever. Instead of on the beach. That is something I forgot I did today. I fell asleep, very happy I left my bed intact. It was wonderful lying there listening to the waves, watching the birds and the people and the bikes with minimal craziness, a far cry from last week's holiday. It was wonderful, just beautiful breeze and a great afternoon.
I would love to sleep out here tonight but I don't think I'd feel that comfortable. Funny, I camped in the desert, on public land. Had to drive to a portable toilet or use my set-up. And I'm afraid to sleep on my screen porch. Maybe if I go raise the rear hatch and sleep on my car-bed??? Wouldn't I be the talk of the neighborhood then???
