11:30 p.m. - 2018-12-03
Is EVERYONE nuts????
So tired. But in a healthy way this time!
Spent the last minutes of the evening with my roommate listening to the absolutely ridiculous texts from her infantile ex. We are both learning so much. WHY did we accept such behavior from these guys??? The things he says are total manipulation and just unreal. "I just want to lay my head in your lap and tell you all my problems!" And when she finally caved and sent a short response, the first in days, he went right back to the name calling and blame game. I think she's done now. I sure hope so.
I haven't heard any more from my Narc. I hope that he's realized that I mean it this time and have NO desire to communicate and most certainly never want to see him again. Again, no bitterness but just DONE. Despite this really damaging past few months, I still refure to become bitter and still have hope that MOST people are basically good.
Had a round with my son today. Will take some time for people to realize that I'm becoming healthy again, and whole. I am patient. I wouldn't have blamed any of the people I passed over to babysit someone who treated me so badly if they had given up. It hurts to hear the comments....and feel the pain that I caused them but I sure understand it. I just feel so alive again and excited about every minute.
I had a weak moment after the exchange with my son where I wanted a quick fix and contacted my life coach. It didn't take long or me to work through the emotions though, and tell her I was ok. I have to learn to self soothe and get things sorted out on my own. One of the things my son said was "I thought after 15 years you would have gotten things together better." I get that totally.
Time is passing at warp speed. Christmas will be here before I know it. With all it's beauty and the challenge of spending time with toxic family. I hope there are warm days, and I can kayak, etc. Florida will be a welcome respite from the cold and dreary days we are experiencing here now.
I am still shocked that the emotions I've been battling with this guy evaporated so quickly and I feel nothing. Not even anger over all the abuse. just peace, and hope that one day he too can find that.
I'm a hot mess at times. But I have a lot of positives. Gonna build on THAT foundation!!!!
