11:06 a.m. - 2018-11-30
What is Narcissism?
Sitting here trying to organize all the thoughts that are swirling. I have reclaimed my soul after a soul sucking experience with my friend, who I have come to realize is a psychopath narcissist. It has been a maelstrom of emotions, pain and realization for the past two weeks.
I was forced to go total sobriety for the last 20 days. My initial hearing for the OWI was then. And I have kept my word. The first day was difficult. I wanted to get high as SOON as I finished the court appearance. I was sort of shocked that he imposed the sobriety clause. What I discovered though, was as soon as I got through the first day or two I was fine. In fact, I was BETTER than fine. I felt relieved. Clear. I began to realize how insane my relationship was with Jay, research narcissism, and begin to plot my plan to break free and impose boundaries in the meantime.
Going to Jay's was difficult the first night. I immediately reached out for the beer that was always sitting there. I love the smell of marijuana, so that was difficult. But I found that after the first day, everything was fine even though he didn't slow down in the least. He praised me after a week for how well I was doing, in fact I think he sort of patted me on the head like a dog while looking me in the eyes. Directly.
I also found that being there held much less allure. His one man show and twisted behavior wasn't appealing. I studied ways to handle narcissists. When he threw something at me I didn't agree with, usually regarding my behavior, I would calmly state "You are entitled to your opinion" or "you are entitled to your opinion, but I don't feel that way". When I saw that he had too much to drink and things started to go south, I told him goodbye and gathered my things. Always tried to leave with a "love ya buddy, have a good night." I know this confused him after I used to be a pitiful mess crying over his "condition" and sadness. I tried SO many times to explain to him how directly his sadness affected my emotions. The alcohol though, for both of us, fueled the insanity.
Finally, hunting season opened. We hunted the first day, and the experience was incredible. Very exciting, spotting two deer just four minutes before the end of the hunting day. Him taking a shot, but missing. My body felt limp, sort of like you feel when you nearly miss an accident. But after that, things started getting weird again. He was withholding and distant, I believe because he felt the new ways kicking in, and knew he was losing his control with me. At the end of that time, he invited me over (after ghosting me several times) and I politely declined I hoped things would just dissolve quietly. HA!
During most of the time I was with him, despite the antics and laughter, there was alot of sickness in my stomach. Real gut twisting. Even driving by his house at times produced these feelings. I constantly tried to reevaluate the value of being there but for whatever reasons I was not ready to give up. One things that got me, being an empath, was that he played the victim very well. I felt sorry for him. I WANTED to be a person who could bring any amount of sunshine into his day. I had gotten to the point where I was practically living there, only leaving to go home for a couple hours and shower, gather more things or eat breakfast. then I would return to the same cycle over and over. Except for the times he threw me out, and there were many. Probably over the course of the four months I spent most of my time with him, at least ten times. Any little thing he didn't like or agree with, he wielded his power and threw me out. At first, I was really too intoxicated to drive but I couldn't stay. I was afraid things would escalate and who knows what would happen. That was another thing that being sober prevented. I could go at any time, without worry.
One day, he sent me a text very near the end of the deer season. "I need my hunting stuff." I was really disappointed because I had expected we would hunt as much as possible and was excited about it. I went over as soon as I could and delivered the things.
I walked into the room, sat the gun and gloves on the floor and looked at him, tried to talk over the overly loud music playing. "Are you going hunting?" He shook his head yes. I asked "Did you get your truck running?" He said no. He said no more so I just waved goodbye and left. I figured he found someone to go with him that wouldn't trigger him and despite the disappointment, I wanted to do what he asked and leave with minimal emotion. I sent him a text and let him know I found his handicap placard in the car and left it on his seat. I texted him later, a picture of something I thought he would be interested in and I got a very nasty text back about how he didn't need all the texts just because he asked for his hunting stuff back.
Wow. Stung again. I was really nervous and shook so I went to the movies. Half way through the movies, he sent a text thanking me for bringing him his stuff, and the pack of cigarettes I bought for him a day or two earlier. He said "you didn't look ready to hunt and you cocked your head when you spoke to me." Seriously????? I explained that I was disappointed that I was excluded and was trying to get in and out without incident. That I had been ready to hunt every day, HE was the one who didn't ask. I was at the point already where I would NOT offer anything he didn't ask for. And I then broke a little and offered to come by and take him to get cigs and beer. I was only there an hour before I was kicked out. Again. I knew it was time to cut ties completely.
I received two more text series from him, just benign info. I knew he was fishing for help I didn't offer. And then he sent another insulting message. I finally sent him a short letter I'd written pretty much pointing out his dysfunction and saying it was over for good. I felt extremely relieved.
Next day, I unblocked his number out of my curiosity to see if he had read the letter, and responded. Nothing. I breathed a sigh of relief. But I didn't block him right away and lo and behold a little later, I got another text. Telling me that the ten times he had to throw me out had drained the good out of anything I had done for him. Really???? And he insulted my track record on divorce before insisting I "don't bother to text back!!!"
I was shaking. I NEVER was anything but kind to this guy. I was that way because I felt bad for his situation, his disability and other things he'd experienced throughout his life. I am kind. But after that, I did respond. You are a pathetic person. Still, I tried. Loser and User. and that was it. and will be. The days that have followed have taken on real color and I feel at peace. I had some emotions surrounding the split but they had diminished greatly with every stupid stunt he pulled. I have NEVER been so kind to anyone and I just couldn't understand why he was so cruel. What did I do???
Then I read about narcissism. Lights went off everywhere in my brain. He was textbook. I felt much better cutting him off. And in the end, I was able to talk with two former girlfriends who told me horrifying insane stories about him stalking them, imagining relationships that were not real with them, screwing people in the kitchen floor when one walked in found them. A real long laundry list of things that were unimaginable to me. I never knew what a true narcissist was! The YouTube videos I watched provided an abundance of helpful information in understanding this disorder.
I hope he will not stalk me. I was not a "trophy" like the last girlfriend to him. I suspect I was even a nuisance to him in ways because he had to resort to hanging out with someone 16 years older than him, despite my youthfulness and vigor. He always adored the image of a very young and very emaciated girl. Showed me Shakira video of She Wolf over and over. Ugh. So I don't think he will try to regain my affection so much. AND I believe he realizes once I wised up, there was no going back. He knew I was patient for months and never got upset at all. He has to know that I am done this time because for the first time, I was ugly to him.
I spoke with a good friend of his, after posting a facebook post with bullet points of a narcissist. We are acquainted, and I think she likes me, there's not much reason she wouldn't. She saw how much I did for Jay. She asked me if the post was about him but said I did not have to tell her if I didn't want to. I did. I knew he would eventually try to slander and demean me so I let it rip but not bitterly. I just stated the facts of what I experienced. SHE was the one who put me in touch with the other girlfriends, thinking it would help for me to collaborate my story with them. I got a real eye opening series of details about just crazy things. Him sitting in front of one gal's window in a chair until she closed the curtains. For hours. In front of the other gal's garage. Driving by. That was another thing that pushed me to send the final letter. He sent me this very confusing text asking me if I drove by his house unnecessarily...."Simple question, yes or no!" I quickly responded.....Nope. Then remembered YES I did go to Texas Roadhouse the other night and drove by on the way home. When he heard that he accused me of being a liar and said CYA. talk about the crazy train. I was DONE.
The good friend I confessed to of his said she was floored. She had NEVER seen the behavior not once in the 18 or more years she'd known him. Knew he was an alcoholic, but NOTHING. I assured her I had observed him with her teen son, who mowed the grass for Jay, and likes spending time with him, and there was no worry there. He was VERY patient with Jacob. That shocked me too, since he NEVER had any patience with anyone else. Except maybe old friends we met at a concert. People he needed to look good for. I told her there was NO reason she couldn't resume the same relationship but I just couldn't let him slander me and take that hit when I was nothing but caring and helpful.
I have healed from any longing to be around him. I deleted every picture and I am shocked that I don't have ANY feelings left for him. I don't wish he would die, like the other two do, because I never got too invested. The four months I was there were rough, but I am free and happy in just a matter of a few days. Resuming a NORMAL life. Finding new adventures to keep me interested. I survived and I will thrive.
I really want to write about all this. It was fascinating hearing the stories these women told me. Or put a YouTube video out that maybe will help someone else understand all the confusion. I feel very fortunate that unlike past relationships, I got out of this one relatively unscathed, with the exception of money I spent on him. That was not even such a blow because in the process of spending time with him, I realized that I still had alot of life in me, and the ability to be with someone. I lost 40 pounds. And I saw things, and experienced outdoor activities learning all about them, that I will never forget. I was lucky. I didn't walk away completely empty handed. I will be wiser if I see this behavior in other people.
