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3:32 p.m. - 2019-12-18
Catching up LONG LAPSE!
I sort of neglected this journal. I was afraid it wasn't being maintained as well as before and I'd lose my stuff so I began a very short lived OTHER blog...lol I'm no more disciplined there than here. I noticed I had a note or two here over the past year so I'm jumping back in for the two of you who might follow me lol Seriously, if you followed me in the past you might meet someone new here now. It's been one hell of a year. I'm happy to say it has ended well!

The first year of retirement (2018) was not one I want to spend a lot of time remembering. I had been abused for a good six months by someone I wanted to help desperately. I was never hurt physically (there were a couple of swipes, but those were so wobbly and out of distance, they didn't land or hurt). But the mind games were something I've never seen before and I've been a manipulator most of my life. It all started out innocently enough. He was a connection of sorts and like me a loner of sorts. Funny in a weird way, which has always been my calling card lol I loved the outdoors and he was the ultimate authority. I loved to hear the stories of his childhood, one I would have enjoyed so much instead of the chaos and darkness I had in my life. I was more than willing to exchange my help and cooking for education on this new land I love so much. And hell yeah, I felt younger and active and dropped about 38 pounds lol The real problems came when the beer tally hit more than passingly pleasant and fast forwarded to instant asshole. I was asked "Hasn't any man ever put you in your place before?" and other such asinine things. The exact polar opposite of who I am. Even a staunch republican (of course....Midwest, beer, guns and Trump.) That answer should have been NO, not one I kept around lol I kept my political opinions quiet. I pretty much kept everything quiet so as not to stir up the bear. I was a master but every so often when I let my guard down and slipped, I would stir him. And I usually got insulted and thrown out about that time. I should have just made a practice of leaving before it got to that point, but instead I let him pull ME down. I got down in the gutter with him, drinking at least a six pack every night when prior to that I was not into alcohol at all. I needed it to fit in, to adapt to this behavior. I couldn't LEAVE! He had been injured, poor soul in a fall. Broken his back. I couldn't be another who just walked away.

Hilarious stuff, looking back. But all too familiar to fellow codependents I'm sure. Hell, HE even described our "relationship" as symbiotic and codependent lol

And I have spent the last year learning everything I can about all types of people who thrive on making other people feel bad. My home of origin was that way. My mother was extremely negative and unwilling to take risks. Was abused by my father throughout their marriage. Recent convo Me: "Everything is just going so well!" Mom: "Well that will change" It is never encouragement. There was such nasty fighting in our home, no wonder I also became a professional at sarcasm and cutting to the quick. I have worked on that. I've softened my hard edges. And I learned something that was a total game changer. How to not care what everyone thinks.

My friend was a narcissist. I had no idea what that entailed. Now I know and there is no reason for me to ever revisit that hell again with him or anyone. When I found out from his exes about his vile behavior and lazy attitude, slovenly drunken stuff was nothing related to his accident but who he always was, I was outta there. And I still listen to many podcasts and try to connect with folks who are as puzzled now as I was when I discovered narcissism. I do still keep loosely in touch but have no desire to be around him. A text now and then to know he's alive is all I care about, and I do care regardless of how bad he treated me......we shared a lot of time together and there were bright moments too.

Don't get me wrong!! I'm not crying victim. It was the best thing that could have happened (outside of the arrest.... but even that was helpful in the end) and got me thinking right. And as I researched what I'd suffered with my friend, I also became more aware of my family dynamics and how that all played out as a kid. I always felt like a loser sort of.....I knew I was bright but I just couldn't seem to make good choices. Practiced cheers for weeks but was scared to try out. Well, when you were not even wanted, and turned out to be a "weird" child (from what I've heard a bit precocious but adorable and entertaining too) and struggle with self esteem because nothing you ever did was good enough how do you excel? I luckily had women mentors who liked who I was and encouraged me. . Boy I get a whiff of reality now. It took me forever. I KNEW that I was smart. My decisions were right for ME. At the time most anyway. And I never trusted myself, instead crumbling to the criticism from people who were nothing like me and don't really even know me or care to. I have said it often. If we were not related, we would not hang together and it is true.

My last visit of two weeks was flawless. In the past, home felt as far from home-like as possible. Mom is failing and won't be here much longer. This time, I sat back and relaxed and enjoyed every moment. It was almost as if people had sandwich boards and they said "Hi, I'm fucked up because..." and I saw it and I just let the stupid roll off. BUT I did notice something very exciting. The more confidence I gain, the less stupid they roll out. Because I'm not easily taken any more. Probably a little quieter too. No longer aspire to be a people pleaser. I'm really really proud that I recently cut off two folks I gave a disclaimer in the beginning. She was fun, and animated and caring and way too much like me in many ways and I told her we would SEE. But after a couple of really drunk video chats, I had to excuse myself from the equation. Politely as I could. But now, it is about ME. I've healed and done the work and while I don't mind lending a hand I cannot go down with any more sinking ships. I'm a tough broad, and I've done the hard work and I'm super content with what I have, albeit modest. Because in the end.....it was never about money or looks for me. I look straight to the heart. Until I see that there is not one.

I'm going to stay with Mom some and will document that journey as well. It's funny I don't think either of us will have too many regrets. For one thing, we both really DID try our best we just were like oil and water. And we had a great visit this time and I really think that's all she needed. I gave up wishing for more a long time ago and I'm glad it was pleasant and I can help now. I always say, I'm the closer. I wasn't there all along, but I can do the tough stuff the others can't. I am not sure where I got that except for being extremely resilient and making things work. And knowing that what I'm doing is making a difference. I've always like to help.

 

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