11:19 p.m. - 2014-01-14
Am I 55 or 15?
I am certifiably insane.
I have fallen into this funk that has surrounded me. I know I am the creator but for some reason the pain is worth the pain.
I had five meet-ups via POF. They were all less than desirable. The best prospect was an artist who shared similar interests. He was nice enough but he had this little issue of having a wife who was in a nursing home. She supposedly was distanced from him before she went in but I just opted out of that mess. I do not want to envision anyone pining away for lost love in a nursing home whilest I'm romancing her husband. Plus, he had the vilest garlic breath I've ever smelled.
Fast forward to last night. I met Rick. I came to the coffee shop in workout clothes, I'm really beginning to streamline this process. One hour of coffee with Mr. White Teeth and I knew that I didn't want to see him again. It doesn't take long to figure that one out.
And then of course I think back to that first meeting with Bill. Where we walked Beach Street and I was so animated. Wanted to feel his arms and run my fingers through his hair. :(
I have been communicating with him some. Of course I've initiated with one question or another, and one time when he wanted to respond to an email I sent. Last night just because. And tonight again, I told him to call if he was bored, and he did. I do not want to get my hopes up that we could try again. I know that everything is against us. But I do love this man and every face I look into, I am wishing it was his.
Today on the window, to further add fuel to the fire...a very very handsome man came in and was delighted to see me at the window. Asked how I was and I began to get a little emotional. We talked a little and he took my hand and recited one of the most beautiful poems I've ever heard. I was a mess. And of course he's rehearsed that many times. Gave me his business card. Oh, and he's married.
And then within an hour, another one. Adorable customer and asked how things were going. We began to talk and he revealed that his ex broke up with him on New Year's and he was crushed. There was a look between us that connected us in our pain and helplessness. I gave him MY number because I figured at the least, we could commiserate together :(
I am losing faith in my Polyanna attitude. Maybe that applied earlier in life, but this stage is a tough one. If someone is single, they usually are happy being that way. I was a cling on. Bill did not want that, he only wanted an arm's length relationship. And that alone should shoo me away from any thought of rejoining him for more of it. But I keep telling myself....that I see things differently now. I have looked into so many eyes that were not his. I miss those eyes. And all the weirdness. And having him close even if we were both doing our own thing. I miss the inside jokes and the trips and enjoying looking at him. He is so very handsome. And childlike and I think that was endearing as well. Yes, I need a codependency class. I may do that. But right now this pain feels so intense that all I want to do is numb out. The thought of him with someone else, having sex with another woman is just tearing me up. I know I should close my eyes and heart and walk away but I just can't. He's already told his new friend that she better shut up or he wasn't sticking around, and that she needs to straighten her hair as it is very kinky. I do not see this as being long term. BUT if it is, and he is happy, I will let my heart release him to enjoy that. Until that time, my heart just will not let go. I'm that neurotic :(
