8:59 p.m. - 2013-11-04
Feeling sad, and insecure, lonely and confused
Tonight is an unusually hard night. After the time change, the darkness is gloomy enough. The realization that I probably will not hear again from Bill only compounds my sadness.
I did go and see him, hoping for answers and closure. He was pleasant, and answered my questions this time without cryptic answers. He told me that he did feel that we were heading toward a future together. He did feel that he loves me. But the email I sent telling him about finding the porn and suggesting we date other people was either too upsetting at a time when he has more than he can handle already or he got the out he was looking for.
I know in my heart of hearts that we would never have made it for life. I get nothing but the privilege of being in his space when we are together. I go to movies or dinner with him. We watch good tv together and enjoy that. But other than just having the pleasure of his company, emotionally it was a very very lopsided relationship.
I'm a giver. I'm really rethinking that after numerous hurts. I fall easily and I try and do everything I can to make that person's life better, happier. I just couldn't go on for more than a few weeks without another sadness that I sensed I was nothing more than a friend. I wanted so much more. And when I finally pushed hard enough....I got my confirmation. I've heard nothing from him unless I initiated like I did a couple nights ago. I asked him point blank if he thought he'd ever want to try again with me and he said he didn't know. He needed time and space. He hadn't really thought much about what he wanted. I gave him the world. He knows the world is out there now, and I think he wants to either find someone who will put no demands on him or just be a one night stand or friend to go to movies with. Or just be alone. He does alone very well. He said he will NEVER put himself out fully to the point where he will get hurt. That made me very sad.
So I cooked a nice meal, but I don't feel much like enjoying it now. I am wrapped in a cloak of sadness that I'd hoped I'd never feel again. And I know it's like a wound, and it will heal...I just want it soon. Now. I hate feeling this pain.
And the worst part is I find I'm blaming myself for the breakup. Because I should have known (even though he didn't tell me) that he is still grieving heavily for his mother and he is involved in alot of home repair and that is his priority. Me pushing for more was I'm sure, a huge turnoff right now. And he did tell me in the beginning he didn't require much. Just someone that he enjoyed being with and no drama. I don't know what woman, not given basic affection and communication, will be happy to stay in that kind of a bond. And I think that's just fine with him because he's 58 and never committed before. I should have known when he told me he saw a gal 10 years off and on, and primarily the last few years to spend time with the dog. He called her "the little general" and I was "the boss". I just feel so sad....
