9:34 p.m. - 2013-09-12
take your motion sickness pill, this is a rambling roller coaster. lol
I miss this place when I'm away. So much has happened. Today is just a blur. A lack of sleep, shell shocked blur. Last week it was back issues. And just before that diverticulitis. Fat and infirmed.
I've gained 12 pounds. I feel slothlike. I'm the lowest in confidence I've been in a long time.
Because I've been codependent to a man who has no concept of reciprocity. I've been there for 16 months. I eat to fill the lonely space. It is comfort. Tonight I did start an exciting exercise program and I'm going to work on getting back some of that vitality.
This man so very different than any other I've known. He is gorgeous. To me. I've never had a relationship with anyone when that was a quality I particularly revered. It just never mattered. I love people for who they are, as evidenced by my five year relationship with a woman. What sealed the deal with me over Billy was an early date where I watched as Billy interacted with a Pitbull. It was magical. I could feel the connection from 20 feet away. He has a passion for animals that is both beautiful and threatening to me. I will never get a tenth of the affection from him that he gives so freely and abundantly to animals. Particularly Eddie....my sister's Jack Russell. He is quite taken with Eddie and had not met him until recently when I arranged a meeting. It was like a playdate. Endearing at the time, but annoying now. When asked about the trip, all he could talk about was the dog. When a gal asked him about my family his response was "She visited with her family." I guess the trip my brother and law had with him to the beach, Eddie's first trip and the pizza and such, I guess my brother in law was the chauffeur? Aspergers. Love animals more than people.
I'm lonely. In love with him. I do love him. I scratch my head at times and then he smiles and my heart melts. You can see his true heart through his eyes. Innocence. It's intoxicating to me lol He's shy a little and very sensitive. But puts up a very manly front because that's what he's supposed to do. He's a Public Safety Officer! (I was reamed the other day because I mistakenly gave his occupation as Security Guard. You'd have thought I said Pimp. I didn't know. I'm from the country ya'll I got my shortcomings too!
I've inquired a few times about his being gay and he fumes but he has been immersed in the gay world all his life. He lived with a good friend who died of AIDS in his house. He always went to gay bars. And he's fascinated with George Maharis to the point where I really am starting to think he's repressed. And that's ok, God knows I'm tolerant of everything pretty much. We'd just shift gears and be friends I guess?? I've been through so much with him and seen the world in such a different way but his wall of pride is just too high for me to climb. He resents that I am "the boss" but he is incapable of doing many things without frustration. His mother did everything for him. And if that, is coupled with the Aspergers I suspect...Well, you can flesh that one out. It's not easy. I used to watch him in the morning getting ready for work. He looked like a lost child looking for things, just stand and glance around, back and forth, rituals....It was awkward at first. And he's very proper. I'm certainly not, and if you've read any other stuff of mine, you already know that lol
I've learned to adapt to many things. But some not well. I climb the mountain, feel strong as an ox...and then next thing you know I'm back in the desert saying I can't do this, I deserve more! No affection. At first there was some, of course in the very brief honeymoon period. Usual stuff. But when I was taking care of his dying mother, I realized neither of them liked touch. I never knew. Bingo, another Aspergers trait. The hours of my running my fingers up and down his chest, through his hair, and he NEVER said a word. I did come to realize that he may mean when he's mad. Sometimes he will say this or that feels good. But I cannot remember the last time we were intimate. I'm not distressed over that, except that he's very vain. And critical of fat people. And my body is a train wreck. Don't get me wrong...I'm very grateful to look as good as I do at just shy of 55 but I need a tune up. I was on fire before I met Billy. Kayaking, hiking, exploring, adventures. And now I'm a couch potato. I really progressed.
Another glaring Aspergers trait....he is a walking encyclopedia on everything Music/Media/Entertainment kind of stuff. He can hear any song, tell you what year, month, what color clothes he had on, where he was and where he went after that. It was freaky at first, entertaining later, and now just something I've gotten used to.
His room was beyond horrific when I first met him. Yet it will drive him crazy sometimes to see a leaf on the floor. When I started dating him, his coworkers laughed when I told them. He is different. Very different.
And WHY do I even entertain continuing this relationship.
Well, I'm obviously needy. I like to say Wanty, as I recently saw on Facebook. I am 55. I fucking know now what I need in life. I have the whole map drawn out...I just need someone to go with me. Billy would not be that person. But he has a nice little house by the beach he's fixing up and he's an easy going, hard working, loyal and beautiful man. He's in excellent health and has an amazing body considering he's been mostly inactive for years. Except for his stomach, he has a beautiful body. If he were standing back toward you naked, you would be shocked to find out he's 58. Gorgeous thick salt and pepper (mostly pepper) Very beautiful. And with a little work, he'd be dropdead gorgeous. Meaning we get off our asses and do something we've been talking about for at least a year. EXERCISE! BUT He's already talked of a little surgery to repair two tiny scars. $1600 And mentioned a "Madonna Lift?" but cost scared him away for now. This makes me so uncomfortable because I see him as nearly perfect and he's never going to be happy with himself. And what will he be happy with in ME? He thinks anyone who is fat should be able to just take it off like an overcoat. Aspergers. It's a different way of life.
But we enjoy doing things together so much so much of the time. I'm unrealistically drawn though to his looks. I'm not too proud to say if he were unattractive I wouldn't have stayed this long. I don't think. He's a challenge. But it's the first time I've given so much in a relationship and I've found I like being a giver. Again. And taking care of his mom the last week of her life and doing things I never dreamed I'd do for someone I'd known less than a year....was a wonderful though painful experience. We talked of things through the night when she would wake.....she delighted in those mini portions of what she referred to as "Delicious, and eye appealing" Two nights before she died. We had a little picnic on the bed. It's just been a wild time with this man and his mother. She did everything for him. She overprotected him. She waited ten years to adopt him finally and she nearly lost him when he was very young to his biological parents. I understand where she came from. But I look at the fallout now and I just sigh. Yet, Billy is happy. He says. In his own world. Still have though the memory of him weeping when we first met with relief because he said he saw couples together holding hands and knew he'd never have that. Depressed. In his room most of the time. I opened the door. And I think I've opened Pandora's box at times.
Billy's mom was an amazing woman. She did it all. That's a tough act to follow too and sometimes I think I'm too much like his mom and that's why he's not attracted to me. He says he's just not interested in sex that much any more. I have know idea what the standard is among 58 year old men. I'm new to all this. The last one I was with was 41 when I left lol.
Ok. I'm tired and I'm rambling. I am wondering if you've read it if you think I'm a bit crazy. God my mind does run and I want to slow it down a bit. It goes in waves. Feels like something has been in the universe cooking up during last two days.
I matter. I am enough. This should be my mantra lol Or maybe "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do?"
