3:40 p.m. - 2013-08-12
Feels Like the Weekend Continues :)
I'm spinning. Chatter over the possible closing of our facility part of the spin and then there's always the Bill thing. I know in my heart this is always going to be a "less than" relationship if I keep at it. Or learn to be grateful for what is available.
But today was a really amazing day in several ways. It was like Angels were watching over me. I really needed this afternoon off, the woman's compliment, the two guys' invitations. I felt like today wa divinely inspired.
I visited south Florida once and chanted with the people there and found it very nice. Calmed my mind. I tried it a couple nights this week and it's been a very blessed week. I have managed to calm myself down to a small tornado lol
I have never been so lonely in a relationship before. There are others out there who understand, I've read their books on Aspergers. And there's always the chance that he doesn't have Aspergers, and his mother just spoiled him so rotten, then on his own, women (and men) fell all over his good looks. He never had to do for anyone in his entire life, it was always done for him. And with a mother like that, who was not at all affectionate....it's hard sometimes to figure out who's to blame but it's hard to be with someone who claims to love you and can't say it or touch me. That is one tough punch. Aspergers or not. And of course is not a professional diagnosis only my guess, and one my therapist shares.
I suppose we are on course as far as Bill's concerned. I'm less satisfied. I miss having someone around on a daily basis. Even if we don't utter a word it would be a chance to really test the validity of our connection by having the safety of his presence. The connection that more and more seems like the impossible dream. Bill has survived for 58 years alone. He's found ways to please himself in his admiration of the art/movie world and the self satisfaction world. He needs nobody. For ANYTHINHG. He SAYS he wants someone. But his actions are of a selfish only child whose model was very unrealistic. If he had perfect parents (and they seemed to have been pretty close) he was one of the ONLY people I know who did. He has phone friends for when he needs dialogue. And the safety of his room for the remainder of that time. That is ALL he needs.
I need somebody. I'll just be really fucking blunt about it. Someone to sit beside in the movie and hold hands. Someone to enjoy my firsts and vice versa. (NO, I'm not done with firsts ;) I want a buddy. But I don't want to be JUST a buddy to someone I love. I guess the girl relationship eased me from a hetero relationship where we were best friends and pretty well matched to a same sex relationship with someone who really should have just been my buddy. The 24/7 sleepover feeling was a draw. It was fun. Until things crumbled.
I want somebody. I think I have alot to offer and I am open to someone the Universe chooses to place in my path. Maybe lol
I had a customer tell me how good my hair looked and how pretty I was, then my boss asked me if I'd like to leave early!
I also had two different fellas ask me to go out with them today. One claims to have just inherited a large sum of money. He's been a customer for the 7 years I've been working there but I DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN. And that leads me to think he might be a nut job. But he was just out of the country and he said his money was in another country.
WHoooooaaaaaa. I am the poster child for not falling for anyone with money. it has never lured me. If we had it great, if we didn't that worked ok too. I'm not even a hair serious about that. I would not marry for money. Not yet anyway...lol
The other fella was quite nice. Very pleasant. From North Carolina...just had that "good guy" vibe. And somehow I found out that he is single, and new in the area. OH, yeah, I found out because he told me lol He just broke up with long term girlfriend because he had this great job offer and moved here. They are "still friends". That alone is enough for me to run like my hair is on fire. Last thing I want to do is get attached to someone again whose ex decides to take one last stab at it. But he was very pleasant. And I told him I would be his friend and go out to dinner with him since he knows nobody here. I am still wondering if that is a mistake.
I've always done all this sneaky stuff and I don't want to do that any more. If I meet someone, who will be evaluating me and I most surely will be evaluating them it must not be until Bill and I break up if we do. That is the right thing to do. I would not want him befriending some gal in this manner. Even though he talks several times a week to this woman in Pennsylvania and that is a bizarre connection. He would not do what I am considering though. I know he wouldn't.
So it feels like about 95 degrees out and I'm too much of a slug to get out farther than this chair I'm sitting in, in the shade. It's better....but I think I'll be heading in soon. Til much later in the evening. Trying to see if the birds will use my makeshift birdbath and just enjoying the afternoon. And I'm going to TRY to catch a few meteors tonight since I forgot to set my alarm last night :(
