12:12 a.m. - 2009-11-11
Grieving Lost Memories
Memories...gone. I found out tonight that our journal of our first months together was wiped out after one of the times I left Diana. Not only did she throw away all the hard copies, she deleted everything on our diary site. I felt so empty. I totally understand why she did it, and have nobody to blame but myself, but still there is this uncanny void there. The last 18 months have been nothing but hell. The first year was the bright spot in our relationship, and so much has faded in memory. I was looking forward to coming home tonight and reading some of them as I do from time to time. So I was let down, disappointed, but most of all just a little sad over once again paying for all my mistakes. Diana said this is a fresh start and we can create new memories...and that is true, but it doesn't erase the pain of losing all those wonderful exchanges...the fantasies she wrote for me, all the feelings we had for each other in those early days of everything being fresh and new. It's like someone died and I am grieving the loss. Sounds really silly but I can't help it...it's just how I feel.
Diana got an email from Patti expressing her grattitude for the generosity in loaning the money for New Year's. She and Rachel feel very lucky to have met us and we certainly feel the same way. They are going to try and make a trip over here before New Year's to see us.
Gigi is crying constantly over the imaginary children she has and having to take care of them to the point of exhaustion. Mom said they are stepping up her dosage of the antidepressants. I should go to see her tomorrow, we have the day off but I most likely will not. I tell myself that she doesn't know the difference anyway although I know it would make some difference even if very little. I am just selfish and wanting the time for myself. I have errands to run, and a flat tire to fix and I just want to have some alone time. I will make the effort to visit this weekend.
Therapy went well tonight. I will hate the day when Blue Cross will no longer pay for these visits. I like Cindy and enjoy talking things through with her. I actually look forward to the visits. That's a little sad....
Gonna go read. "Year of Wonders" has turned out to be a very good book and I hate to see it coming to the end. The subject matter is dark but the writing so engaging. I can't fully grasp what it would have been like to live through a plague but this book gives a very vivid picture of it. I'll have to write to my sis and ask for her next book suggestion. She hasn't led me wrong yet!!
