11:13 p.m. - 2008-05-27
Walk-a-thon
An exhausting day. Things started off very rough. Diana wouldn't kiss me when she left the room and didn't want to talk to me so I struck out walking. Not thinking beyond just wanted to escape, yet again, I struck out without cell phone, money, id, just walking. To town. 4 miles away. Luckily an elderly couple pulled up and offered me a ride. I eagerly accepted and jumped into the back of their pick-up truck. I was so grateful for the offer. The wind blew the heavenly fragrance of honeysuckle all around me and cooled me off. A little sunshine through the clouds....
They dropped me off in the middle of town and I walked around for a while, dying of thirst. I of course, had no money so I went into the Bluegrass Cellular building and asked to borrow a buck or two to get something to drink. Tami gave me a large glass of water. I am so glad, because I surely would not have made the return trip without it. I walked a total of 6 miles. I felt like I was going to pass out by the time I got back and it took a while to drink enough to feel normal again. Not real bright.
When I returned, Diana was able to talk with me. Her anger had mellowed a little. I was so afraid when I rounded the turn into Bob's yard, she would have packed up and left me there. I didn't know if I'd have the strength to gather my things and leave, or the comfort level to stay and try to recover before leaving later in the week. Relief overwhelmed me when I saw her little red car, still sitting where it was when I left.
We talked alot this afternoon...and decided to take a drive. We visited the Coca Cola museum and Lost River Cave. It was a welcome diversion from the somber mood here at Bob's. Getting away from some of the tension, relieving some of our anxiety.
I called my therapist and she urged me not to make any drastic decisions until I was "well". I don't know when that will be. I don't know IF that will be. But I do want it, regardless of how my actions make it seem. I don't want to keep doing impulsive things that hurt so many people.
I'm still in pain. Diana is in incredible pain.
One day at a time. Maybe one minute at a time. But I can't trust myself at all right now. I have to be able to do that.
No brownie today. I can't say I didn't want it tonight, but thank GOD I'm too tired to do it anyway. I'd be up for hours more and that would be a nightmare. I'm just beginning to recoup some of the sleep loss. We've eaten very little during the trip, so I probably have lost some weight. Maybe that's one of the only good things about all this....maybe I can jump start things to get some more of it off.
That's all I have the energy for tonight. Thanks, Rosie, for the email. I know I have people in my corner. I appreciate the words of encouragement. I'll be back at ya soon.
