11:27 p.m. - 2008-05-28
It was a good night
It's very difficult to even know where to start. This vacation...has been a series of ups and downs like no other I've ever been on. The first two days were great, then extreme crash, only to climb the mountain once again today to sanity.
There's been a whole lot of shit floating around in my head for the past week. It's almost done me in at times, and buoyed me to incredible heights at others. I've questioned everything I ever thought I knew about myself. And tonight, those prayers whispered in the darkness, were answered.
I had to make a call to check on Mom and ended up talking to my sister. I knew it was going to be tense, because she's been in on the drama with Diana and I pretty much from the beginning. But I had to tell her that because I am going away to help myself, I will miss my grandmother's 90th birthday celebration. Didn't even think of it when I planned this trip. All I could think of was saving myself.
The call went better than I expected. She is angry with me, but I told her that I understand that. I have no problem who knows what about what's going on with me. I only ask that if they love me, they provide me with a supportive environment to see this through. To try and figure out what part of me continues to make the same destructive decisions over and over and extinguish it. She said that Mom only worried that I'd do something "stupid". (can't say it hasn't crossed my mind, but what I would do to those who DO love me certainly stops the train there) Leta told me that Dad tried to commit suicide before he married our mom. I've always had a suspicion that I might be bi-polar as well as Leta and Dad so this really didn't surprise me. She said that the only thing that really mattered right now is that I see this through and figure Kim out.
Diana has been so patient through the ups and downs. She's watched me go from having a good time on this trip to completely depressed silence. She knows I've been struggling. And she's put on her big girl panties and waited. I know it's taken a toll on her, but when I looked at her tonight all I saw was pure love in her eyes. Caring. Someone who would give their life for me. A friend recently told me:
"Sometimes, we are lucky enough to have someone who loves us in spite of ourselves, someone who will forgive us and take us back when we don't deserve it. Many people abuse these givers of self, and constantly take, but sometimes, someone who is really on a journey to move on to other levels can benefit from this pure love. You seem to have one of these wonderful souls in the form of Diana, and while I am sure she isn't perfect, she may be the stability you need to lean on while you find your path. Just be careful not to abuse this very special gift!
Rosie, those are indeed wise words. I've learned alot this week. I'm going to do everything I can to be the person who can also offer that gift to another person. I'm going to heal so that I can help heal others.
We danced by the fire and held each other tightly. So tightly that alot of the walls came tumbling down. We listed to music and looked at the stars. I don't know exactly why but I can tell you that the Kentucky sky is brighter than I've EVER seen in Florida. I will sleep peacefully tonight.
