12:15 p.m. - 2008-05-26
Dark Clouds on a sunny day....
I'm always looking for a way out of pain, but today there is vehicle to get me there. It engulfs me. It cripples me. I can't trust any decision I make because no matter which one it is it always seems to be the wrong one. This relates to many things going on right now, but I'll focus on the vacation choice...
Vacation took a turn south yesterday. Too much togetherness with Bob perhaps, maybe too close to the quick with everything else playing in the background....but nerves were raw. Bob is a great guy, but things we planned never seem to materialize. His group of "friends" never seem to come through with anything and it makes me feel sad for him because this is the pattern that was there when I knew him before. Lots of people taking advantage of him for what he could do for them.
I have always had a problem with letting others get a word in edgewise...but let me tell you, I pale in comparison with Bob. I can't begin to tell you how many times I tried to get something out and was blocked. It finally turned into the only bright spot on the way to Louisville last night when every time I would try to talk, he'd start up and Diana and I would just crack up. I'd say "One more time" and once again make a stab at it. Shut down every time. It was already late (we got a late start to the club) and I was a little edgy anyway. By the time we got there I was ready to bite a nail in half, totally unglued. I wanted to take a Xanax but held back because I knew I'd want to dance and have a couple drinks and I knew that would totally screw it up. I was already exhausted.
When we got to the club, (we were joined by a couple of Bob's friends) I ditched them. I pleaded with the friends to just keep Bob occupied so I could get a "break". They laughed....I suspect they understood my frustration. They all went to the drag show and Di and I danced.
It took some time to get in sync, my dance skills are not the best, but by the end of the night, we were doing pretty well. I was pleased. It was a very nice place, good music, nice lighting. But dead. Probably best. A bombed blonde came over to us and started to dance, running her fingers through the back of my hair....much to my dismay since I was working up a pretty good sweat dancing. Yuck! She asked me if I was on MySpace....lol She was cute, but I focused my attention on Diana and she left pretty quickly. I was grateful. All in all, the night "didn't suck" (a phrase my therapist uses alot) but it wasn't high on my list of memories. I guess theres alot of truth to the saying "After three days, fish and visitors start to smell" I don't know how the rest of the week will go, but Bob goes back to work tomorrow and then we'll do some things solo.
I don't know if this was a good idea or not. Today it doesn't feel so good...... I'm looking for a way out of a dark cloud.... I'm going to stop making ANY decisions for a while because none I make seem to work out for anyone. I'm looking forward to the time in California but I can't help but feel like a fucking idiot having to run off to some "get in touch with yourself" camp to try and make sense of my life. I go back and forth in my head between knowing I need to get help to figure out how to live and let live, stop hurting people, etc. But am I trading one bandaid for another? It's so expensive...and that is a concern as well. The only thing I can say for sure at this point is I need to let go. Of everything. Just exist. Let the pain flow. Stop trying to make things right. Take the consequences for what has occured. Survive.
But it hurts.
