9:30 a.m. - 2008-05-25
First Morning in Kentuckyand it's BEAUTIFUL!!!!
I alternately love and hate stages like this in my life. My thoughts are racing at such a pace that I cannot get the sleep I need, and frequently stray from task to task without fully finishing anything. Not even a thought. I think I'm realizing more and more that medication to address the ADD situation would probably be really helpful to me. Or perhaps bipolar medication. Whatever it may be, this isn't normal. It feels great and I'm charged up like I haven't been in a very long time, but I WILL crash and burn. At 50, I just can't keep this pace for very long without repercussions.
Last night Diana and I talked into the wee hours. Alot of things have been resolved, or are well on their way to resolution. My heart has settled down, and healing is beginning. We are in sync again, and it is very encouraging.
We lay there this morning talking and I mentioned that I should go and buy binoculars to check out the birds here. "Green bag" she quietly replied. I was blown away. She knew me well enough to anticipate every need I might have on this trip because GOD knows I wasn't of right mind to pack. All I did was throw a heap of clothes on the bed before leaving for work, nearly everything I own (lol) because my mental stamina at that point was near zero.
This is the same gal who brought me clean clothes to the bar the other night even though she knew I might be sleeping somewhere else. This is someone who loves me with every fiber of her being. I only hope that one day
I can return a fraction of that love and make her feel secure again.
When I realized she had packed the binoculars, I was dumbstruck. I just said "Oh my fucking.....and I wanted to say God but that didn't seem right so I managed "MOTHER OF GOD"....which is intrinsically worse because she didn't even FUCK to get pregnant. (this was Diana's observation and it left us rolling with laughter) I said "Oh no!!!!, I'm going STRAIGHT TO HELL!" to which she replied.....
"Leave the light on for me"
We've had several episodes of unbridled laughter today, clear signs that the healing IS beginning. I got alot of things out last night that I needed to say and I think she understands where I'm coming from, and realizes now that I'm trying to be as honest as I can. I DO want this relationship to last. But we both have to be true to ourselves for it to really work.
The party last night was do fun. The hosts had a spacious yard with a bonfire blazing. Attactive landscaping behind the house/stable area included a wonderful shaded hammock graced with the most perfect wisteria I've ever seen. The guys in the band played from a flatbed trailer behind the stable, alternating breaks with other music, anything from the Cuban Shuffle to good old heartbreaking country tunes. I just absorbed it all. I talked to a 27 year old gal named Jennifer who is currently without a job Really makes me appreciate my union! She was making a whopping $6.15 an hour, but sounded regretful that in a place where jobs were so hard to come by, she had lost hers. My pal Bob, a supervisor at a plant that makes dashboards for cars, lives off $29,000 a year. He has a good life. This is such a different way of life here. On Wednesday we are going to the flea market where the local Amish take their goods to sell. I can't wait. I feel like a the proverbial kid in the candy store. So much experience. So much to take in. And it is SO beautiful here. I walked down to the creek yesterday and although the water is nearly gone, there remains an interesting layer of sheet rock. I carefully made my way down to spend a few minutes taking it all in, the gentle breeze moving the lush greenery ever so slowly back and forth, the many diffferent bird sounds, quiet AND chaos all at once in my head. This was a good idea. Bob is a good friend. Life is indeed a treasure.
Better get in there and be sociable or I may not get ANOTHER invite again!
Oh, one more thought....WHY do songs have to mirror life so closely...One of our moments of mirth this morning included my spontaneous singing of "You don't have to take your clothes off". Don't know where that came from...but kinda ended up fitting well within the framework of what has transpired this week......
