11:39 p.m. - 2008-05-17
I never cease to be amazed at the wonder fo life........
Wow. I don't even know where to start. My day has been one like no other in my recent memory. I really need to take more time before I write and sort things out, but the naturegirl in me is going kayaking at 8:30 and I'ts 11:40 now. If I wait, I might not be awake enough to write, and if I don't write tonight, some of the details are sure to escape me.
Mom came to stay today. It plan was originally a week, and now has been shortened to two nights. We have planned a party tomorrow with a few of our close friends to introduce her to some of the good people we're fortunate enough to call our friends. This is the first time in my life where I've felt comfortable entertaining a group like this, especially in the company of my mother.
To say that things have been rocky with us is somewhat an understatement. After all, I was a partner in the crime that nearly ruined the (expensive!....as I've been reminded during the crossfire) European vacation we went on two years ago together. The fight we had on the first full night of our trip unleashed demons that hadn't been out of the closet in many, many years. It was horrible. And then, to have me leave my family to be with Diana, the gal I met ON that trip.....I really do feel fortunate that she's been as accepting as she has.
The reality is that there has never been a huge emotional connection between us. Not like I know is possible now, after living life so fully for the past two years. Growing older does have it's benefits when you learn with the growing. I knew that if I am going to be able to sanely weather being in the position of caregiver at some future date, some things needed to change.
She came around 2 and we left her to nap while we ran some errands. I was still nervous. It was somewhat pleasant to have her there, but very different having her as an overnight guest. I don't think she's spent more than two hours here before until now despite our invitations to do so. Now she's forced to be here. And she found out things really can be alot of fun at the Ambrose/Knight household.
We cooked a nice dinner and all sat out by the pool. Afterward, I experienced one of the most loving and selfless acts ever by another person. Diana gently washed her hair and then cut it for her. She looked so childlike sitting there while Diana worked on her. And then came the hilarity of her half shaved/half mohawked hair. (Diana is a very creative novice hairdresser evidenced by the picture of mom sporting the above style with Diana making a crazy face as she held the scissors above her head) I am SO glad I got pictures. What a memory! Of course Mom resisted, as usual (most of her family pictures have her hand up strategically across her face). This time was different. She understood my need to take these pictures. I explained to her that one day she would no longer be here and someone would look at these pictures and smile. She surrendered.
This was one of the most "real" days I have ever lived. Diana and I crafted a space outside from some new wicker furniture and cushions in soothing blue hues. We mounted beautiful moon/sun candles holders on the wall beneath our beautiful mosaic mirror that until now never looked quite right up there on the wall. The area has been transformed from something totally useless to a most tranquil place to read, rest, or just reflect. I am delighted. This is another first....the first time I felt decorating was really coming together for me, really reflecting who I am.
I asked Mom alot of very frank questions tonight to gain insight as to who she really is, and was. Some of her answers didn't surprise me, but she did open up and let me see alot more of her than ever before. I don't know where things will go from here. I feel like this was just some magic thing that happened, a time when the planets just alligned and all was well, if only for a little while. Mom has so much shit to deal with regarding her own mother and her feelings about their relationship. I don't want to be that person. And I think we're at least off to a good start.
When it was time for bed (and probably well past the time we should have urged her toward it) I met her in the kitchen and hugged her surprised to hear the words I spoke...... "I love you Mommy". "I really enjoyed tonight so much!"
"So did I, she said."
