11:32 p.m. - 2008-05-15
A String of nonsense......
It's far too late for me to be doing this but I need it tonight. So many thoughts are running around this mind of mine, and I didn't have the "remedy" tonight to tame them. I'm very sad.
So I did my usual very sad thing and turned on some "music that sounds like a broken heart feels". I love the adult alternative station on cable and get some excellent references for downloads from it. We got the speakers hooked up outside (finally!) and they sound awesome. I've fired up my most favorite candle fragrance, Aspen Flower from Pier 1 and my trusty friend, Yuengling Light is keeping me company, along with the cigarettes that I alternately really enjoy when I'm not freaking out about ending up with COPD like my father did. And here I go.
On the lighter side, I have been reading Poolagirl more and really enjoy her posts. I am especially fascinated with her "100 things". I hope she won't mind if I use her idea. 100 things though???? I don't know if I would be able to gather that many. Maybe I'll start with 10 for tonight and work my way up.
1. I have always had a lonely side. But I've never been alone. Well, maybe for about a month....
2. When I was young, I used to chew up potato chips and spit them into a bag, then pretend that they were "astronaut food" and cut a hole in the bottom of the zip lock bag and squeeze them out. Yes, I ate them after they were already chewed and mixed with all my yucky saliva. I know, I know....weird beyond belief.
3. As a child I ate boogers. Another real gross out. My parents tried to pursuade me to stop this behavior by telling me that they were like eating garbage. I wasn't really convinced to give it up until in 3rd grade, my "boyfriend" told me he "saw what I was doing behind that weekly reader". I was mortified.
4. I've been to therapy more times than I care to admit. I'm not sure how much help it was, but out of the handful I've seen, my current one is the only one I totally felt was worth it. Some were more harm than good.
5. I won the Betty Crocker Future Homemakers award when I was in high school. It had little to do with my homemaking skills and I entered the contest only to get out of class. My essay was what won me the title. I always breezed through writing assignments, much to the dismay of my much smarter friend who excelled in EVERYTHING else.....BUT writing. Hah!
6. I once took a dump that resembled a face in the toilet. Diana thought it very closely resembled my ex husband. I even took a picture. Wish I still had it.
7. I would be very amazed if my loyal readers were not pretty grossed out the above by now.
8. I've been married to three men, none of whom were ever married or had kids before me. I think that's really a record of some sort these days.
9. I'm living the life now I should have been living much earlier. When I was in my 20's I was living the life of an old married woman. This is certainly much more interesting.
10. I became a lesbian at age 47. I have NEVER regretted this for a minute but only regret that the world is still so backward in so many ways regarding this lifestyle.
11. This is easier than I thought.
12. I had an imaginary friend when I was a child. It was Daniel Boone's sidekick, the indidan. Can't remember his name, but he was great company for me as I spent the afternoons swinging with him on my playset.
13. I once held my dog down and let another dog "have his way with her" because I wanted puppies desperately. (again VERY YOUNG!!!)
15. I survived a really rough childhood that involved frequently standing between my parents and begging them to stop fighting. Woke at night many times and couldn't get back to sleep for the noise. Couldn't wait to get out of the house, and I married the first time at age 17 to do just that, too insecure to see there were definitely OTHER ways!
16. I am a pretty darn good cook, and enjoy it very much. Trouble is, I am on Lipitor, and Atacand for cholestrol and high blood pressure. Guess I need to be looking at Cooking Light more, and Southern Living less.
17. I have beautiful eyes. My teeth suck. Should have had braces and never did and too damn old to do it now. My nose is also way too big and I have often covered it up to see what I'd look like if I had rhinoplasty. Again, too old to screw with that now either.... I am quite ok with my breasts though, due to alot of fibrous tissue. They aren't quite standing to attention, but they aren't pointing toward my toes either!
Ok, that's enough insanity for now.
I'll work on refining that list, adding to it and probably deleting some of the really absurd things, and replacing them with more mainstream ones. lol
God this candle smells like heaven. I love candles and sparkly things of all kinds. I love the outdoors, kayaking, and seeing new places. I am so jealous of Poola and her road trip. I want to live vicarious through her!!!!! Lol
Di and I are taking a road trip next week as well. We're going to see an old friend from High School. I am a little fearful of how things will go. I think either we'll fall right back into the good old days and pick up where we left off, or it will be very awkward after a day or two. He's invited us to a big party on Saturday complete with trail ride, then bbq. Too bad we won't make the ride, but I'm hoping to get there before the bbq. His house is torn apart while he waits for new cabinets to be put in so that should be interesting....OH, and his teenage son might be coming back to live with him just before we arrive. We might end up spending a day or two and then striking out alone, depending on how it goes.
I'm really feeling sad tonight. Diana was upset when I got home, Greek food in hand, looking forward to a nice evening. She'd been reliving some of the events of the past week, and was feeling bitter and fearful that she will never be able to trust me again. I can't make promises. I have seen that again and again I seem to wander. But all who wander are NOT lost. I want things to last with us. I really love her and want to be with her. But I can't deny that there is a connection with this third party and I want the friendship with her as well. I really think that could work with appropriate boundaries and sometimes feel that the sooner we could confront it and see that it can, the sooner we can all heal. And I also see Diana's side of trust that has been seriously challenged. I had to take a Xanax because my stomach was just churning. I wish we could turn back time, back to a time when things were still innocent...but we can't.
I just want to fall asleep out here under the stars and wake up and be somewhere else. At least for a few days. And MOM is coming to stay for a week. I hope that will be a distraction for both of us, and we can focus on something else besides the elephant in the room.
Taking my son out tomorrow night to a movie and dinner. At least there is progress in that area. He's becoming more relaxed, more appreciative of who I really am, and I'm letting go of some of the guilt.
My therapist told me last night if I keep mowing people down to get to what I want in life, People will spit on my grave. That's not a pleasant thought. But right now I just feel kind of numb and wish I could just escape for a while....take a few days to go off somewhere alone. Diana has a business trip coming up soon, maybe that would be a good time to take off and do just that. I'm dedicated to being true to her and I promised that if my feelings should start to wander, I would be honest this time, and let her know before anything should happen. I know I owe her that. But I honestly see myself being with her. We picked out some things for the house tonight....would have been very fun for us, but it was marred by the lingering cloud of question. I doubt she will ever fully trust me again. And I can't say I blame her....
And finally....Di and I had this conversation the other day about masturbation. I told her I'd done that since a very early age, but there was a time that I actually "made love to myself". She was puzzled so I explained that I spent alot of time prepping, including candles, music, lots of smelling good stuff, fluffy pillows, etc. I took my time, enjoyed every second. And when I came.....it was the freakiest thing I've ever experienced because I felt as if someone else was in the room with me. Hiss refered to it as a "phantom phuck". It was very memorable. Extrememly powerful. I only did that once......but I'll never forget it.
But that's really not the kind of "loving myself" that I really need work on. Just thought I'd relive that moment for whatever reason..lol
Gotta get to bed. It's 12:12. Late to bed makes Kim a not so friendly window clerk....and if I get Mr. Sgro tomorrow....I need to be rested. This guy is certifiable. He comes in almost daily, starts a conversation....stops it....walks away a little, turns toward me again, and begins his monologue a couple more times before exiting the lobby. I finally, out of frustration today said...."I am not quite as deep as you are, and I really have no idea what you're getting at, could you tell me exactly what the core issue is here???" These people really scare me sometimes. Not like George, who heard voices in his head and thought everyone was talking about him in the line. He seemed rather harmless, almost lovable in a puppy dog sort of way until he knocked on the window when I was having lunch across the street, then came in and began his routine in the restaurant. Not fun.
I do SO love my job!
