9:22 p.m. - 2008-04-14
Ups and Downs
It's a little cooler tonight. I couldn't resist the opportunity to be outside after such a hectic day. It's beautiful, clear sky, fountain in the distance dancing in the light. Nice beer beside me, new kind I'm trying, Tucher, German beer. Not bad. And the light fragrance of sweet-pea is in the air from the "far too strong for the inside" but "just right for the lanai" burner. These nights are the nights that make me glad to be a Floridian. Then the elections roll around and I just want to run for the hills...lol
Life has had its challenges lately. Diana and I have been together almost 2 years...or at least in love for as long. We actually weren't together until August and fell in love in late May. Those were three of the longest months of my life, waiting for us to be together permanently. And it's been a wild ride. I've learned so much about myself, and experienced life at a level of satisfaction in so many ways like I've never lived it before. And then there are the obvious challenges of two hormonally charged women living together. My relationships with men were so fundamentally different. For the first time, I'm with someone that shares my interests more fully, and wants to spend most of her time with me. And Diana is someone who's never had to share a partner before with other people. My closeness to my children, if only by frequent phone calls for stretches, was something she didn't see coming, and has a time dealing with. And my problem with blurting out things about them at the most inopportune moments is also an issue. (think I mentioned my "problem" in the last post)
So we have some really rocky times mixed in with alot of really great times. Last weekend we camped and despite less than favorable weather we had an awesome time. I've camped more lately than ever and I love it. We go and do and see so many things. And having a real best friend for the first time in my life is an incredible feeling. So I hope that we can work on the imperfections dilligently and hope to overcome some of them. I am going to give it my all.
There are other things I have weighing on me. I know it's time to forgive myself for what I feel were my "wrongs" in life, and move toward a kinder gentler love for myself. I find myself thinking sometimes..."how in the hell could you have been so selfish as to live your whole life satisfying YOUR needs". "How could you walk out on not one family, but two???" Then there's a laundry list of other offenses I go through in my mind.
But I'm a complete, and perfect person at this very moment, according to Eckhart Tolle and his "New Earth" mentality. "All we have is this moment, the NOW". Wasting time looking back to yesterday and chasing tomorrow are robbing us of the NOW moments we have, which will in fact, make time feel like time's moving even faster!
It sounds like a very good idea, this "awakening" thing. "Living in the moment". I'm going to try it.
I'm not making any bets.....
