9:09 p.m. - 2008-04-10
Hang on Matey, Water's Getting Rough.....
It's with heavy hands I type this tonight. I opted out of an engagement to stay home alone, while Diana attended. I've read, listened to music, and played online. It's been nice.
And I've thought alot.
Exactly what I hoped to avoid. You see, I have this problem with attention. Perhaps Adult ADD...and I intend to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist and see if maybe meds could help. What I have is called Tangential Thinking. I could be right in the throes of passion and the most random thing comes out of my mouth. Not an attractive trait for a partner to have to deal with. I have pretty much always been that way, but Diana is the first one who's been frustrated with it. Guess the others just blocked me out...lol I am rarely FULLLY PRESENT in any situation. The only time I can say I KNOW that I am is when I kayak. I absorb nature like a sponge. I love gliding through the water, watching the sun hit the water and glimmer up the huge cypress trees. I just feel free. Other than that, I've had real difficulty being in the now.
I have also been feeling somewhat diminished lately. Diana runs a "tight ship". I frequently feel like I'm missing the mark. I didn't have a buttload of confidence before we hooked up, but I do remember toward the end of my last marriage, feeling a great deal of peace alone. Maybe I needed that time alone to really find out who I am before I jumped into another relationship.
Having said that.....I've had more fun, laughed more, and learned more about myself since I met her. I've challenged a whole lot of people to rethink some of their ideas.
We'll have to see how it plays out.....
