7:48 a.m. - 2006-07-30
Gypsy Kim
Gypsy Kim has settled into another temporary living space. I moved in with my daughter for two weeks until our apartment is ready. It was heaven last night. I always said I could live in anything as long as it was in a beautiful setting.
WRONG!
I showed with creature, fought off bugs that worked their way through the cracks of the pop-up....constantly swept sand from the floor and bed, felt like I was under a microscope and knew NOBODY. Oh yeah, Linda did walk by with her dog and talk to me a couple of times but I felt pretty darn isolated for the most part.
So now I wait. Diana completed the interview process and is just waiting to hear the final word on the job. We talk off and on all day and spend alot of time looking toward our future together. Planning. She is just such breath of fresh air to me.....so nutty and fun to talk to. I have also discovered some things though about girl/girl relationships.
I was walking through a store the other day and saw some things I wanted to buy for the new apartment. I stopped and thought "I don't even know what Diana likes, what her tastes are!" That has NEVER been a consideration for me in th past. I just gathered whatever struck my fancy and passed it in front of Craig's nose (or any other guy I was with) and always got the obligatory "Nice, honey."
Now I have someone else to live with who is equally interested in decorating. Very different!
Diana is coming with alot more "stuff" than I have. Damn it, I always end up leaving behind more than I take in my exodus.
Craig came to break down the camper and take it home. It was very weird. I just stood there and watched him like a zombie....trying to think of something to say. The only thing I managed was "How long did you know about us?". He said "A long time". I asked if he snooped or if I was just that stupid. He said "both".
Oh well....I've never been too good at keeping secrets.
He appears to be doing very well. Moving on. And that makes me happy and sad in a way. I do want him to have a good life, and I still feel guilty for robbing him of the future he thought was set in stone.
He asked me if I had signed the papers and I retrieved them from the car. I got a little weepy when I took them out to be sure they were all signed. As much as I wanted this, it's still difficult. We were together 15 years.
I find myself imagining what life would be life had I gone back to him and not decided to pursue this. I don't even know if he would have taken me back. And I know with the trust situation such as it is, I would never be able to breathe again. I also have a hard time looking at him and thinking about ever having sex with him again. So much has changed. But still, there is that lure of the life predictable....safe. I'm working without that safety net now...and it's very different. With Craig, I always KNEW that things would last forever unless I changed that. He was steadfast, and devoted.
It's also another interesting dynamic of my relationship with Diana, that we mirror each other so much. I guess that's why I was initially so drawn to her, that whe shared some of the same interests/qualities. She's nutty and fun and has a heart SO big. But let me tell you.....when we disagree, and we did have a small "thing" the other day, it's like fighting yourself. Oh, and throw in the fact that half the month one of us is going to be.,..,what was that expression Rosie?...experiencing the ponies coming in? Now add my pre-menopausal bouts and you have a real interesting mix. OH, and I finally, after 7 years, ditched the antidepressants....good and bad effects abound.
I do feel that the rocking of the boat will certainly keep me from falling asleep. I was SO in a coma for the last year....
So..that's the update. I feel MUCH less depressed actually having a roof over my head and also having more than a 3 by 14 space to pace. I love having Christa here to talk to...other people in the house. It feels more like home....
