10:01 a.m. - 2006-07-15
Where have I been, you might ask?
Well, you two who might be reading this......I figured it was about time I let you know where I've been for the past month plus.
I wrote about the Europe trip. I wrote about a couple of gals (partners) I met.
Well...
Since the trip, I communicated constantly with one, Diana. Email, phone calls, our own diary.....alot of communication. I felt strongly drawn to her, and she felt the same way.
Diana planned a visit here in Florida for the first week in July. She and her partner came down and we stayed together in my Pop=up camper near my home. The "dance" we had been working up to in our communications, became fully real during this time. We made arrangements to go to a hotel and see where the feelings would lead. Things were wonderful....as I knew they would be. Until the phone rang.
We had asked for a wake-up call for 2 p.m. When the phone rang at 1, I hoped it was a mistake....that the desk clerk had written down the wrong time, or programmed in the wrong time etc. They hadn't. After not answering the call, I rang the desk and they delivered the following message...
"The lies are over, The games are over, The marriage is over."
I was petrified...and I don't need to tell you how petrified Diana was. Her partner was sitting back at the campground...and all we could think of was that hubby would be out there lickity-split to finish off her relationship as well. We panicked, packed up all our stuff...and headed out to the shopping mall where we were SUPPOSED to be anyway.
I called hubby. He was wonderfully charitable about the whole thing. He had known something about us for the entire month, and had time to think things out. He told me that he would be more than fair with everything....maintain a smooth relationship for the kids...and not soak me for too much child support. He has no intention of being vindictive and bitter. What a guy. I was relieved, and sad at the same time. If he had talked to me this way a year ago, would I be in this situation now???
Water under the bridge...I say. So far he has totally stuck to his guns and has been terrific. I haven't seen him emotional, except for one instance. He has even consoled me through some pretty difficult times. I guess 15 years together counts for alot with him. It obviously didn't count for much with me.
But, having said that......I have never felt the way that i feel with Diana. It's hard to explain. It's even harder for her to understand how a 47 year old heterosexual woman could all of a sudden fall for a gay gal 17 years her junior. Well, I'll tell you how. Diana is absolutely sparkling. She is so full of caring and personality, and love, and affection, and fun, and intelligience. I feel on top of the world whenever I am talking with her, or with her. She adores me....feels LUCKY to be with me! That's such a trip in and of itself. I have changed alot though, over the last year....I finally like the person I've become and that shows. I take chances and live life to the fullest and she was drawn to that, the same way I am drawn to her sweet soul and sparkling eyes. I am anxious to explore this relationship fully and take whatever happiness it offers. I just hate that I've mowed so many people down in the process.
Diana's partner left mid-way through the trip after having a long discussion with Diana and deciding that they were definitely breaking things off. She still has no idea about the two of us. She just thinks we are pals. Denial....total.
My mother is probably kicking herself daily that she ever even SUGGESTED the Europe trip. There were SO many reasons why Diana and I should never have even met....but somehow we did. And it feels so right. Mom is still very bitter about our battle during the trip. My sister (who is gay as well!) is ready to disown me because I "Act like I'm 14 years old" and because I've betrayed so many people. My other sister....will NEVER forgive me. My kids, though, are doing pretty well, and it helps my family to see hubby doing pretty well too. If he was licking his wounds and looking for pity, they would have crucified me by now.
I've told a few people at work. No stones have been thrown yet. I feel a little stupid for being so out front with it but I think it's just that I want to get it out there, have people react, get it over with, and move on. And there is that part of me that loves the shock value. I tell people I've "Switched teams" then come back "Well, not totally switched teams, but playing on a different field" I am NOT gay. I am, however, very open sexually. I fell in love with the person of Diana....the gender really had no relevance. And I can say that nothing we've done together felt anything but beautiful and right. She was strongly concerned about that since I had never been with another woman before. There had been instances I'd thought things....but they were quickly dismissed. I liked men. Women were a brief curiosity at times, but that was all.
The age thing does concern me. Diana is a very mature, settled 30...but still 30. I am charging into menopause, grandmothering, etc. She's just a babe. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope without a safety net alot of the time. But, I have made this choice and I'm seeing it through. We owe it to ourselves to give this a chance. The feelings are too strong to deny.
It's a miracle that we were even able to get together so soon after the Europe trip. Since returning home from the Florida trip, Diana requested a chance to work from here, and transfer down. It looks very very good. I am leaving the library (I have no internet access right now except for this and WIFI sites near work) and going to place a deposit on an apartment for us. She will be down soon. I am so excited to have the chance to be with her, wake with her, play with her, explore with her. We have so much fun together, and relate in ways I've never related to anyone before.
Midlife crisis????
Hell, Yeah! But I am loving it.
Stay tuned for the book....
