10:18 p.m. - 2006-03-11
A Day so good , It Felt like TWO
There's this really dysfunctional triangle thingy going on between my Mother, her sister, and my grandmother. My Aunt Sue is envious of my mother because of her success and financial security. My mother is disgusted because she is the only daughter investing time in my grandmother as she begins to decline. Gigi is 87 and can be one of the most bitter, cold people you ever met. Aunt Sue lives about two hours away, but her financial situation is always bleak, and she sometimes uses that excuse to avoid too much contact with Gigi ( that's the name given to grandmother by me, oldest grandchild, at age 2). It's a constant stream of bickering and I'm caught smack dab in the middle of it.
When I was 14 I was getting into a fair amount of trouble and my parents decided to send me away for a while to stay with Aunt Sue and Uncle Larry in North Carolina. It was a wonderful time for me. They were of very modest means, living in an older, single wide trailer on family owned property, but it sure felt like home there. They had a garden full of the most wonderful vegetables, some of my favorites, and I helped pick and cook them for our dinner. Aunt Sue and I would cook and talk about everything under the sun. It didn't matter if I was talking incessantly about whatever boy I was in love with at the time, or something she was interested in, she LISTENED. After my younger cousins were in bed, Larry, Sue and I would sit around for hours and listen to whatever music they were into at the time. I remember them playing some Roy Orbison for me and another evening, some pretty cool Cajun music. (Who would have known that Sue would now enjoy bands like Korn, Pink Floyd and all things Celtic??)
Sometimes Sue and I would sit for hours in her always a little too warm house, reading Steven King together, and drinking ice cold sweet tea that was so thick with sugar it went down almost like syrup. We went fishing together. Their family, flaws and all, felt so much more like a real family than my own did. My mother could never quite understand why I enjoyed being there so much, and I visited every chance I got. It was simple. I felt loved.
I realized years later that we all work with what we have and try to do the best we can. Mom and I are what I refer to as distantly close. We talk on the phone frequently, get together once in a while, and we have our big trip to Europe coming up in May. But it's not what I'd like to have in my relationship with her. When I have the big Thanksgiving dinner, I'd like for my family to stick around longer than the time it takes to devour the meal. I'd like for Mom to ask me to go somewhere with her once in a while, or ask me to lunch. I'd like for her to just drop in for once, and sit with me out by the pool sipping wine. I'd like to be able to say I love her every time I finish talking to her on the phone. But most times I just can't quite do it. It doesn't feel natural. And I wish it did.
Mom and I are distantly close. We dance around it alot of the time, but we've never really made that deep connection. It would be really great if this trip with her could be a bridge to something better.
I can't remember if I mentioned it or not but I'm taking a little trip to the most memorable place I've ever visited in my 47 (sigh..)...years. Sedona, Arizona. I was there in January but only for 6 hours and I really regretted not having more time to explore. So, I'm visiting my sweet Nikki and boyfriend in Phoenix for a day, then spending a few days in Flagstaff. Flagstaff was a beautiful place as well, and I'm really looking forward to seeing it again. I'll drive to Sedona, about 30 miles away to spend the day. I want to visit some of the energy vortex sites and find beautiful places to just sit quietly and reflect. I'm gonna take lots of pictures and I can't wait to share them with you. Whatever form it takes, I know it will be a spiritual journey unlike any I've ever had. To prepare myself for this "pilgrimage", I ordered a recommended book called "Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche".
Craig and I finally broke through the ice tonight and made some significant progress. He feels my time allocations for family and writing are a little out of balance, and I know he feels a little neglected. And my noticably improved enthusiasm for life leaves him not quite understanding what these changes are all about. I let him read some of my work for the first time tonight. Before he had anything positive to say, he pointed out some grammatical errors, and some other things he felt needed correction. I felt a little deflated, and then stupid for being so fragile. God knows if I ever expect to have anything published I am going to have to get used to criticism. We talked about the writing, exchanging ideas and it felt really good. I saw those beautiful qualities in him that caused me to fall so hard and fast for him 15 years ago, come shining through.
After a good deal of house cleaning we had daughter Christa and Ripley over for dinner and cooked out. Craig hit it just right with the ribs. The food was perfect, the wine flowed freely, we all laughed longer and harder than I've laughed in I can't remember how long! I was cracking jokes rapid-fire and Ripley was returning them just as fast. I love that guy! I wouldn't mind having him in the family.
Yep, it was a pretty good day.
