9:41 p.m. - 2018-03-13
Freedom is just another word for I won't have to get up any more at 4 freakin 30.
I keep starting and stopping. Deleting. I am not in a writing mood. But I suppose since I will soon be retired, I must embrace the opportunity to write something every day. I recently went back to the beginning of this diary and read a lot of entries. I was so surprised what a wealth of knowledge they were. Revealing so much about ME. The me that has twisted and turned for so many years. And information about loved ones, since passed, that I had forgotten. I am so grateful.
I must say though, that some were downright embarrassing. Gushing like a teenager and such. I am much more stable now. I will print out a lot of these, and simply forget those even existed.
I've come to understand a lot more about my need to be heard. Even if it is just floating around in cyber space. I had a conversation with my mother the other day. I told her I thought she didn't like me or I was too much trouble. She said, "NO, I just thought you were weird." Man what an aha moment. I'd thought about such things many times but this was total confirmation. My mother and I were not people who would choose to hang out if we were not related. And that has been my struggle all my life. While she has cringed watching me first steal the heart of the cold mother who never gave HER love, Parade me around with my long blonde hair. But I'd rather be outdoors building a fort lol THen I turned into the liberal, flower child, later hippie grandmother, you name it on my journey. She never achieved her goals. She played it safe. I guess. Or safer. I jumped. And I continue to. But the jumps are more controlled now. And I land on my feet.
I have not moved a single item. I have until the 31st and then I am leaving on the 3rd or 4th for NC to stay at a two night retreat. On to get hair magic and then to Florida finally. I feel the wind in my hair. Well, sorta. It's not really long enough but I can dream. I feel freedom. So close. So very close.
