8:34 p.m. - 2018-01-18
Day by Day by Day by Day
Drove over 100 miles. Worked in 3 different offices. I am pretty tired tonight. I left the house at 7:30 this morning and didn't get home until 6:30 this evening. Days like this make me so happy thinking about not having days like this any more.
It wasn't bad work. Half the day in one village, afternoon in another. Enough work not to be bored but not crazy busy. No real screw-ups. It was a good day overall.
Yesterday was somewhat of a fiasco. I opened up and closed up in one minute. I have no idea how I did it. These, are the days that make me fear working. But I did notice this time, my mistake didn't make me feel so much fear and dread. I know that I am only there for a short time.
I have been all over the map. Perhaps my lack of energy has been contributed to by the nonstop brain activity in the frenzy to look at every angle and make sure that I am doing the right thing. Funny thing though....there are no guarantees. None that we will even be here in ten years. Or even next year.
I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I think what I do. I think that being out of the workforce will allow me to figure that out. I have spent so many years in emotional turmoil since 2006. So much worry, so many tears. A job that sometimes drove me to really neurotic emotional swings. Constant monitoring of my mental state. That part of my puzzle I am really just beginning to shed some light on.
My grandfather had shock therapy. My father was in therapy as a young man but abandoned it as soon as he was able. My great uncle is suspected to have killed his wife, who died in a suspicious car accident. IRS fraud. This is my family tree. When I look at my sisters....really peer into their lives I would say all but one of us has faced serious emotional issues. I truly felt like a lot of my life has been clawing my way through.
There were happy times. Two years I stayed home with the kids when they were 1 and 2. And a very long stretch in my last marriage when we were raising the family and things were good. They were good for so long, I feel I have had more good fortune in that area than most and it makes my heart happy. These two times in my life, the happiest....are the times I want to return to. Cooking for people who need a meal. Reaching out to people and getting involved in things. Being less self involved. I know what I need to do and I'm going to stay accountable here. One day when I'm feeling low, I can come back to these pages and see what my mission is. To have as many relationships and experiences that I can before I die (platonic), to gain knowledge in areas I thought were "boring" before, to become me as fully as I can. It is a journey I am looking forward to more each passing day.....
