6:24 p.m. - 2009-06-19
Gypsies, Liars, and Cheaters
its been a very long time since I've visited this site to write anything. It's been a time of happiness and a time of turmoil. Now I am facing a time of do or die. And I must come here to get my feelings out or explode from the pressure.
Diana and I have bounced back and forth more times than a ping pong ball. Every time I got comfortable again, I got uncomfortable again. What i thought I would die without, suddenly became less important. And then I screw up again, revisit the other woman, and get kicked to the curb.
You would think that by now i would have figured myself out. After all, I am 50 years old now. I have moved about so much that I have barely a car full of stuff left and that makes me feel pretty sad. I have a few friends, and I have no life of my own. Now is the time to create that life. I tried this before, but only pretended to do so. I rented an apartment and spent about one month or less sleeping in it out of the eight months I was there. My therapist insists that i need to stay here....get to know myself, and then and only then will i know what makes me happy or sad. I have hurt so many people along the way. I have ruined so many relationships that actually could have worked. The last one, the one between Diana and I.....it could have been a lifetime. I don't know what is wrong with me that i cannot hang on to what is good for me.
TOnight I am supposed to meet some new people and hang out. I'm afraid. I am not accustomed to venturing out of my comfort zone these days. The condo I'm renting is smelly from past smokers and that doesn't make me very happy but it's reasonable, and completely furnished so I guess candles and air freshners will have to mask it as much as possible.
There have been some suicidal thoughts lately. I hate feeling the pain I have caused myself. I hate knowing that I could be happy if i didn't sabotage everything I do. I hate living like a 20 year old and not a mature 50. I hope that this period of self exploration actually produces some awakenings. I can't go on much longer like this.
