9:42 a.m. - 2025-01-19
Sunday
As I suspected, my Dr. visit revealed areas that need work. My blood pressure is high. My cholesterol is high. I have to get some weight off. And move. I’ve said these words a million times. I’ve also said if it was life or death I could develop restraint. Kidding myself, because I’ve ALWAYS known it WAS life or death. As long as I was able to do everything painlessly and maintain fairly good agility etc, I’ve been in some low level denial. It’s time to pay the life tax. I’m 66. I have sleep apnea (treated), and I take a statin, antidepressant and now a diuretic. I’m not crazy off the charts but I can’t skate by any more. I’m struggling with a realistic plan that still includes foods I enjoy because let’s face it, I’m not a youngster and at this stage food is a major enjoyment in life. There are also other things I do enjoy but food is way up on the list.
I try and Imagine why I’m so drawn to eating. The dopamine is a given but I wonder if I didn’t learn very early to use it to self soothe. And my grandmother, who cared for me frequently, was a wonderful southern cook. I reserve the fried corn cakes and the Sunday pot roasts along with tempting desserts. While mom made us a bologna sandwich. I knew which side my bread was buttered on! Lol I tried to visit Gigi every Sunday after church. I begged. I’m sure that was a relief in ways to my mother to get rid of me but also conflicting because she never got the level of adoration when she was a child.!
I know there were times of happiness in the home but I recently realized that most of my happy times there were in solitude. Reading in the back of a labor bus parked in our yard snacking on a juicy homegrown navel Orange. Climbing into a huge cedar to memorize Edgar Allen Poe in fourth grade. (?) hanging over the culvert with a bread ball on a bent sewing pin, trying to catch fish or building forts in the woods, I was always happy outdoors. Another fondness I remember was lying in my father’s twin bed under the window reading books when I was around 10. That old bed was so bad, had almost a hammock-like sag in the middle but our home had no air so lying there by an open window, feeling the breeze roll over me while I read, was a glimpse of heaven.
There was good food, and toys and trips. But fighting and chaos were constant. Crying. Cursing. Violence. But just enough to ride under the radar, so everyone who didn’t know, thought we were such a lucky family. We had nice car and home was nice enough. We owned horses and took modest vacations. We ate out a lot. But there was always the fear that someone would cross that invisible line and Mr. Hyde would appear. It didn’t matter if we were in public, or at home. And my relationship with my mother was never nurturing, as she was pretty emotionally unavailable. Terribly painful for an over sensitive child who was very bright, cute, and seriously hyperactive in mind and body.
I was dubbed the weird and embarrassing one. I always thought of myself as a champion for justice in a small racist town. I NEVER embraced the ideology that lived there. I never embraced the landscape. Sure, the beach was fun to hang out on some as a teen but I’ve had my fill of the 4 S’s: salt, sticky, sand, and sunburn! I love the sight of distant peaks and distinctive rock formations. I love learning about different regions and seeing them. I’ve had such a full life since I turned 60. I often think it’s payback for the karma I faced after so many bad choices for the last 18 years. Whatever it is, it’s working right now, here in the Midwest.
As an occasional TikTok poster, I’m wondering where this ban will go. I’m not missing the app itself but I want my content! I’ve been on there 4 years and posted many destinations as well as concerts, family fun, and my adventures. I won’t waste time again, if they restore it to get those videos I love. A lot are dumb but a lot have wonderful memories!
Unfurling my brain has revealed some hard facts. I need to continue to work on slow living. Using an item and returning it to its place. Doing a few dishes before they become many. Plan better. Pamper myself with an environment that brings joy. I pick up special trinkets here and there and I use thrift for everything I can. I’m developing huge guilt over plastic so I’m going to try and avoid using it as much as possible. We have no idea how much water we’re generating until you watch a movie revealing the truth. It will shake you!
Getting excited about spring and summer and must begin to loosely map out my adventure to the PNW. I have so little money invested and I don’t want to be frivolous but I’m 66 and I don’t know how many years I’ll be this interested in adventuring. At that point I’d consider a companion pup for Suta but by then, she will be an older one! At least 7.
Suta was an adjustment, and still is. But that sweet little head is lying right next to me. And she’s as loyal as they come, while still loving others. We’re going to veg out today. Read and write and just appreciate the fact that we were allowed another day🥰
