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8:12 p.m. - 2018-06-18
No idea truly what day it is lol
Hot here in the heartland. 90's yesterday. I'm playing hermit. Another rough night last night.

I took some food over by Jay and everything was going ok and he had an attack of paranoia and talking about not trusting me and really mean. I left and as I left I kinda talked over him then said bye ttyl, love ya. And skidaddled.

I do not need that. And I won't sit and take it. Now I will sit back silently and do my thing and if he needs (oh, sorry...WANTS....he doesn't need anything) me I will be around. Doing my thing. I wish he could see that even though I am obviously attracted to the casing he wears, I have much more caring for his heart. His ego. His dignity. I cannot imagine being top dog and losing it. It kind of makes me happy I was NOT top dog. I had an ok life but always enough personal struggle with things to keep it real. God knows, I wasn't bad looking if I had been confident, where I could have gone.

But I didn't. I married at 17, divorced at 19. Played easy the next two years and had my heart broken a lot. I wanted love, they wanted the obvious. Remarried at 21 to the first person who didn't try to jump me on the first date. Mistake. I scratched and tore my way to where I am now. I had parents who had the ability to help me but I never had to ask for much. A time or two maybe an advance but only one time that I remember did I ask for any cash. TO pay off my car when I moved here because I had no idea how many hours I was going to get. It makes me proud that I've had such a fun life, and enjoyed it so much alone these past 3 years. That I have pushed toward my goals. And now am enjoying them.

It is so strange not having ANY time restraints. I was up til around 2 last night so I slept in. I went BACK to sleep as well and finally rose for good around 2. It felt strange to look at the clock and see it was 6 and only have been up a few hours. But it felt good. I feel good. I was dragging a little. I made an outrageous and terrible breakfast for dinner of eggs, potatoes with onions, bacon (ON SALE AT $1.99 lol) and half a bagel. Enough for leftovers. And that, is the swan song of my fridge. Tomorrow has to be a productive day. But this one has been peaceful and easy and just fine.

I might watch tv. I hate to start down that path again. It can be such a distraction and possibly I could use that right now because my zen has been challenged a little. But mostly I just don't want to sit still. I have an expiration date. I want to go out in style. And tomorrow, instead of vegging like I did today, I shall create a small adventure!

IF the weather cooperates. I was happy to feel cooler temps.


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