11:59 p.m. - 2021-10-26
I find this a most curious thing. As I survey my friends there are few women. I count many more men as friends than women. Maybe it is because I always felt somewhat a tomboy. Maybe it is because men's drama can be so much easier than women's. But there it is. Most of the people I"m talking to these days are men. And not anything like a love interest.
Except.....there was something about this Vegas friend. It wasn't actually HIM. It was the memory he sparked of someone else Was uncanny. I found myself totally at ease. I felt as if I'd known him forever, because he was tied to some phantom memory. He was indeed a kind soul, cute, and well behaved. But the feels I have/had have nothing to do with reality. I have talked with him via text a number of times, trying not to be intrusive and follow the flow. This is sketchy territory and I did not do well with this ten years ago. I think I've learned. Not to even insinuate that he is interested in ME. Hopefully, he just appreciates a genuinely kind and funny person who has learned a great deal in life and can tell good stories. I'm not bad to hang with unless I'm in full blown adhd mode. that doesn't happen much these days. Older and wiser.
Still, I do think he is very handsome. I am going to meet several folks and will be careful to not give any mixed messages. It is fun to hang with the younger guys. But they are just that. GUYS. And I made up my mind some time ago that I enjoy making my own choices and creating a nice bubble that works for me. I have alot of interaction through social media platforms, very happy that TikTok allows me a method to compile photos in connection with songs that match or have some meaning to me. I like my bubble! I truthfully do not miss having someone in my space daily. But the feels I have coming on this one tell me that I'm not completely out of the woods. I do enjoy the connections I have with about 4 different guys. One is the 23 year old I befriended in Hot Springs. Riley. We share information. He is also a car camper and taught me a few things. He also was a near marijuana virgin, and I introduced him to gummies and my Solo 2 during his only second experiment with it. What a fun time we had! One is a 64 year old NYC guy who is taking care of his mom right now. He's witty and fun. But he is for sure tied up in some heavy stuff. Mattie, I met when I was around 50 and he was maybe in his 20's? He is about my kids age and such an old soul. I love talking to him, and all things Mattie.
I could name on one hand the women I admire and enjoy talking with as much as these guys.
I think part of it is, I feel lucky to be relatable at this age. I was awkward a lot of my life because I was unable to wear the soul and spirit I was born to. 60 years to figure life out. And even now I'm getting this little blip on the radar regarding interactions with another human, ugh! I would never come between anyone and their love interest again. That was a very very painful chapter, actually many chapters in my life or other's. I also realize that feels, are only there in the beginning that way. It is glorious to think someone might have their eye on you, especially if you are nearing the grave. It is another reality to follow that through to it's fruition. I did it once or twice and it was horrible.
This is what got me in trouble in my youth. I was so longing to be loved. And if anyone showed me that kindness, and I was attracted to them....the sparks began to fly. A lot of heartbreak ensued. I never understood. My mother thought I was a nympho. I was just that little girl wanting to be loved and appreciated. The most valuable thing I thought I had to offer was my prowess I thought? I mean, I wasn't that attractive (I really could have been if I'd had a modicum of confidence) and I didn't have that many dates in high school. (my mother said that to me angrily when I told her I was divorcing at 19, the man I married to escape the incredibly abusive home where I lived)
Later, in therapy, I was told that I was "eating the whipped cream off the sundae" and then abandoning it. (the relationships). I had no idea what I was doing, except perpetually living in defense mode and trying to survive the best I knew how.
The ONE relationship that DID work was amazing. I thank the universe for that, and for showing me all that could be right in a connection. I think the glue was raising the kids together and staying busy because when everything fell apart, we were bored. I felt lost and alone. Once again, eating that damn whipped cream, I moved on to the next, and the next and so on.
Today, I've crafted a life I love. I am satisfied with 95 percent of my life. I am trying to do better with my health and I've discovered, as long as I keep moving, I feel fabulous. I act exactly how I feel like acting. If it looks weird, or immature, etc. I could care less. Unless I'm in a situation where better behavior is warranted. LIke with my children. They've had to deal with me for years and bless them that they never gave up. I am sure, they wanted to at times. I'll never forget the time with my oldest, when I was inconsolable over something that was validly upsetting and she told me to stop. Not in front of the children. That was a tough one, navigating my feelings and her rigidity. Again, though, I know I'm a handful.
The night grows colder and my yawns indicate it is time to take this party inside. It has been a very good day. One I can file away and be proud of. One where I did enough to feel accomplished, and didn't stress over deadlines. Slow and steady wins. For me, anyway.