Get your ow
n diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

9:22 p.m. - 2018-08-27
Flashing lights and the end of the crazy :(
It has been a challenging week. Or two. I can't even remember oh yeah, it was a little over a week. Since I got busted.

I have been a total wildass about weed since I was young and consistently since 2001. I love it. And I've gotten very lax about being careful. I smoked all the way to Florida FOUR times. And smoked on the streets of Indianapolis with strangers. I carried it in my car always. And smoked IN MY CAR ALWAYS. Until 8/17/18.

I had joined friends in Cedarburg, a beautiful and quaint little town for a concert in the park. I had a delicious meal and strolled the streets. I loved the band and watching the people enjoy this FREE event so much. It was a perfect day. And then I needed to find my way back home. I fired up a joint and hit the road. It was no big deal.

I approached the on ramp for I-43 and saw that it was closed for construction. Damn. I didn't know what to do now because GPS kept looping me around and I could not figure out where I needed to be. And then I saw the police car pull out.

I was driving fine, after all I am a PROFESSIONAL smoker lol I used to joke about that with Lori. I watched my speed, all was well. Until the lights went on. I was paralyzed instantly. Could feel my body almost the smell was so strong there was NO way I could get out of this one. I tried to gather myself up as I watched the officer approach the car.

"Do you know why I stopped you?" he said. WHY do they always say this. Is it helpful to be AWARE of how you broke the law, do you get extra points for having the correct answer?? I had no idea. I knew I was driving fine. And then he hit me with REGISTRATION was expired. Fuck.

Up here, registration expires the month you register the car. In FLORIDA it is on your birthday. Damn. I was so confused I kept repeating, "I just don't understand." Well, then he mentioned the fragrance wafting in the air, and asked me to get out of the car. I was dressed in a t-shirt from Benson's Hideaway UFO Bar. I had big old LOVE button on. I looked the part totally, except for being nearly sixty years old.

Ok, now we are to the field sobriety test. I failed miserably but probably mostly from the nervousness and anxiety that enveloped me like a deadly fog. I wobbled in my sandals. So he said I could take them off. No help, I still wobbled, shit I was about to come UNGLUED. Then it was turn around, handcuffs and the whole nine. Then being seat belted into the back of the cruiser with my handcuffed hands behind me and my frickin nose itching. I cried a little, but soon ended up chatting with the officers (yeah, that's me :( The fellow felt a bit sorry for me I believe, and wasn't hard on me, tried to help a little but they cannot direct you in what to say or do and I was severely lacking in the ability to figure out what would be the RIGHT thing. I told them where the pot was (they were headed for it anyway) and I cooperated in every way. Consented to the blood test. Was polite. It was humiliating to enter the hospital even though there was a private entrance, there were still people around who saw me enter. Then the process of booking, pics, and finally being released except that since I didn't pass the sobriety test I had to stay 12 hours from the time they arrested me. I tried to call two friends, neither answered, and hunkered down in my holding cell to wait til 11 a.m. when I would be able to go get my car. At LEAST they didn't impound it. They just tagged it and left it on the side of the road.

At 2:40 my neighbor showed up to pick me up and I was so humbled and grateful. She only had one hour left to sleep and still came and got me, 45 minutes away. I was a mess. I tried to find my car but we had to get home so she could get to work and I decided to give up and just get someone to take me back. I ended up having to pay an UBER driver 100 bucks to get there but it was totally worth it because he rolled up to the intersection directly ACROSS from where I was stopped and there my wallet was lying right in the middle of the road and I have NO idea how it got there. But that was certainly a crisis averted. If I had lost all that stuff and on top of all the humiliation and fear had to recreate all that stuff it would have just sent me over the edge.

I retained a lawyer, John Hawley, someone I had known from my Random Lake Days. I don't know how good he is, but he is older and he is gay and he is someone I knew all the time I worked in Random. I trust him. I didn't want to hire someone based on an ad, or a letter I received (I'm getting a lot now :( ) I wanted a familiar face in front of me. John said I won't go to jail. (ridiculous thought even, for a small amount of weed!) I MAY lose my license for six months and that will kill me but I can still manage. I learned my lesson. A very expensive lesson. I had to drop 3G to get the lawyer, that's the flat rate. I am grateful though, that I didn't have any OTHER drugs (including valium that my friend gave me to calm down AFTER) and I didn't get charged with more than what I did. I'm grateful that my stupidity didn't land me with a manslaughter charge and prison. I was stupid and careless and now I have shifted down a whole lot. I felt dirty and humiliated for a few days. I drank forever the Sunday after drowning out all the pain. But now I'm on the mend, joined Planet Fitness, and I am making my way back to sanity again. I pray the sentence is light. I really will never drive under the influence again. I had taken so many chances lately driving after being at Jays....and such. I had recently started staying there most of the time though. I KNOW better. My hearing is September 10.

On the Jay horizon, things have increasingly improved. He is kind to me almost all the time now and if he deviates a bit, he almost immediately looks at me and apologizes or winks. He has told me lately that I am his very best friend, that nobody has ever cared for him the way that I do. He has been amazed by it actually, said all the girls he dated had no heartbeat. Can't understand the love that I have and desire to help him in any way. He is NOT a good influence. I tend to drink a few beers more than I would have over the hours and hours we visit, listen to music and talk. I get lollied. I am so conflicted about this because he has a drinking disease, and when I join in I feel like I am a part of the problem. He says the only help he wants right now is for me to be with him and to make him smile. I do that. I also bring food, lots of it last night so that he doesn't become a shriveled up "raisin" as he called himself. I am a flaming codependent. But I seriously do believe he IS on the spectrum. He amazes me every time I with him. So much knowledge, so much passion. And he makes me crack up so much my mouth hurts. But it's not without cost. I feel sort of PTSD from dodging his moods and trying to navigate his world. I have left my mark. He held my hand last night and looked into my eyes and said that I was "spoiling him" when I brought the food etc. And he had tears in his eyes. He is so broken. I am so broken. All the people I am attracted to, or friends with....are broken. That's how I relate. And like Bill, he has a weird phrase to divert from situations he isn't comfortable with. Bigfoot. He talks about Bigfoot a lot and then he uses the name as an exclamation, diversion, whatever. Bigfoot. Much like Bill and his "Eddie". I looked at a list of positive autism characteristics and every one was spot on for Jay. Encyclopedia of knowledge, attention to detail, need to feel in a structured environment where he knows everything that is going on. Very passionate about the land, the resources. I see him whole. I never saw him disabled. I always loved this guy, from the second meeting. And I will never hurt him.

I have no desire to date. I wasn't looking for anything when I met Jay and now I have someone I care about, to do fun stuff with that we both enjoy (when I can get him out of his house (prison). We went to Road America last weekend and it was a blast. I was totally IN THE MOMENT. His friend Mikey brought all the things we needed to have a great time....grill, food, drinks.....cover. It was a perfect day for us all. I have been there the last three nights. Tonight, I laid low. He did text me a while ago and I wonder if he was looking for company. I didn't really give an opening for him to, as I was out to dinner with my neighbor and her friend. I just miss him so much. Damn it. I didn't plan on getting attached to this fellow but he touches places in my heart and soul I haven't ever had touched. And this morning....he touched more than that.

It is hard to get anywhere with an alcoholic as far as sex play. He is in the bag by 9 pm and by the time he goes to bed around 1 or 2, he is well past that. So mornings are opportune. I felt his hand on my shoulder, turned to see his swollen penis looking oh so delightful (it really is perfect) and began to fool around a bit. Until this morning, I had not felt him inside me totally but today was a first. And not really too pleasant. It hurt. I am old. I can only do so much. And I was sweating PROFUSELY. Tough. He was only there for a very brief time, nobody climaxed but it was new territory. It felt good but bad. I need lube. I felt embarrassed about the sweating. I was in tears when I got home thinking about it and how sensitive and vulnerable I am because I am so much older. Tough stuff. I am SO youthful in so many ways. I don't look 60, more like 53 or so. I don't ACT 60. And I have zero aches or pains. I just joined the gym, undertake a lot of physical stuff. I move. But I am 60. There is no way to avoid the truth, and I'm sure before too long it will catch up with me a bit more. Especially if I keep drinking.

Tonight we went to Horse and Plow at the American Club. Very nice. Just a peaceful diversion from the usual and now I'm ready to fall into bed and read or listen to music for a while. I miss Jay. I am way too attached, way too far in love with this man's man from the Midwest. But this is usually my M.O. I should be used to it by now. I am who I am. I will not apologize for wanting to better people's lives. I would give anything to help him become a better person. I looked him in the eyes the other day and told him I would clean up puke, hold his hand, anything he needed if he ever wanted to try and reduce the alcohol. He is struggling. I see the pain, frustration and self loathing frequently. But as he said, "change has to come from within". He is so right. And I ache for him but will continue this path as long as he will allow me to. Hope to be strong and not let him swallow me up and take me down as well. He worries about himself. But only until beer time. Which is very soon after rising. This IS Wisconsin, but this is way more than Wisconsin beer drinking. He drinks to forget, that he once was quite a spectacle of talent and all things successful. And now....just a shadow of who he was then.. His 3 year anniversary of his accident was the other day. I ached for him then as well. I have a huge heart, but not a huge brain. And so it goes.


previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!