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9:19 a.m. - 2024-06-11
Mental Issues and Meltdowns
This morning is already 100% better than yesterday. I woke around 8 and tidied up the site. It’s so healing to have this space after what I went through yesterday.

I’ve done a lot of work healing childhood trauma but I still experience scary incidents once in a while. It started off with a bang when I woke to find I had pinkeye. This WHOLE trip was focused around the dental appointment I missed in January because of an extremely bad weather incident. So that’s two strikes.

I got into the urgent care center quickly and before long I was on my way. Starving. I pulled into a McDonald’s that I don’t usually frequent because the highway entry is tough. I saw an opening and jetted across only to curb check and pop my tire. I didn’t get too upset with this because the tire place and my daughter were close. What sent me over the edge was navigating the automated phone system to get a tow. After struggling for 30 minutes (tried to get a person and I did, and she was so empathetic only to dump me right back into the matrix. I could feel myself spiraling deeper and deeper. I tried one last time and I got the call request in.

I went to my daughters and slept. By 1:30 the car was ready. I was on my way to an amazing camp spot with so much privacy. As soon as I was able to offload some stuff and organize, I was feeling almost regulated. I continued through the evening, building a fire from wet wood Only because I’m resourceful enough to chip up fatwood and bring it along. I felt pretty accomplished at day’s end. I have a fantastic power source. I have all I need.

The great thing about yesterday was I was able to watch my daughter in Nikki 2.0 mode and was so proud. She’s done so much hard work to regain her confidence that she’s able to adult. And standing up for herself firmly and usually carefully. Sometimes it’s all you can do to just hang on. I’m just glad while I’m here Nikki and I have each other to hang onto. My other two don’t really understand how it is to live in a deeply sensitive state 24/7 with extreme childhood ptsd. I perpetuated the problems all my life, running to and fro looking for someone to help me feel alright. Then I proceeded to treat my daughter the same way my mother treated me. Like I was too much and I couldn’t deal. Boy has she changed. I know I’ve come a long way. I’m glad I’m living in a time that folks are learning to deal with their mental trauma effectively instead of being forced into expectations that one just can not meet and stay true to themselves.

Today I go to Amy’s and stay the night and tomorrow my dental work. Things usually never turn out as badly as we emotionally tell ourselves they will be. It’s just hard in the middle of freefall to regain stability. Baby steps. I’m 65 and I even feel some shame around why it took me so long to understand things. Now to implement what I’ve learned!

 

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