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10:22 a.m. - 2021-09-20
Monday, Monday
Monday. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I've begun my daily journey through nothingness and trying to keep in the groove. The past week has been a true test of my ability to be satisfied without a schedule. I floundered a bit. Ate too much sugar and other things. This morning, once again, I vow to do better.

I do agree that working or having some kind of reliable schedule would make the time I am not working more valuable. I sat here a few moments ago almost laughing at myself. I have a cute little place that cost me almost nothing. Even with my lot rent, I have a very affordable place especially in this market. I'm three miles from the beach. I have a good chunk of savings deposited in my accounts for investing and they are doing ok. I have a beautiful car I dreamed of for years but couldn't afford. Nothing pretentious, a used 2017 Subaru Outback, but the hype was true. She's been a great addition to my life and I waited out the aesthetics as well. Blue and shiny, with just a few scratches, a testiment to my adventures!

I can see the pool from my kitchen window. Stores are close enough for me to walk or ride my bike. More extreme shopping is less than 7 miles away. If this were in the woods, and a more pleasing temperature, it would be perfect.

My heart longs for the woods. Being a people person of sorts (I'm thinking an extroverted introvert perhaps?) I am not sure if I could handle living in the woods. I remember when we considered moving to Cookesville, Tennessee. It was just gorgeous and two miles into town it was thriving. That would be my dream, to find a place that felt like the middle of nowhere but in fact was only a few minutes from civilization. Especially a hospital, as I continue to walk the tightrope of elderly health.

I've gotten into TikTok and these cottage core vids. They hit me so intensely. I've even found this fellow "Fritz and Donnybrook" who has the most pleasing voice and listening to him alone is so satisfying but he does these cute little retro videos of him watchin vhs tapes in his cabin. Warm lighting and music. Why do these things hit me so hard? My mother would never ever understand this. The problem was, not only did she NOT understand it, she constantly berated me because I didn't believe or think the way she did. Ugh.

I need more of a schedule and every time I sink into a week like this I contemplate if I should have a regular job at least part time. Then I go back to the days of mistakes and trauma and seeing someone look at me like I had three eyes. I do dumb things. I've always done ditzy dumb things. Being nervous about doing dumb things only compounds the situation. Unless I'm given "grunt work" (which I'm fully happy doing because it involves zero chance of errors!) I would prefer to avoid humiliation. I do love being the boss of my own life. I just need an intervention at times from my higher self and pulling out of my laziness. No doubt, I am my own worst enemy at times.

It does take a lot to make me "happy". I remember over the years chasing excitement and being unable to just sit and be with myself. I wondered if I created this pattern, but now I'm thinking it was a part of the ADHD. And hurrying! Everywhere hurrying to ??? The next fix? Another dopamine dump? It is very hard winding down now to just sitting and being present without thinking of the, fun, or activity. I hear birds, and the intense humidity seems to have subsided for a moment. This alone should be enough to start the day. Writing. I love my inquisitive mind and curiosity with what is around me but I do need to spend daily time just BE-ing.

I don't know what I'll do today. I looked at the kayak and considered taking it out. It is just so hot. In another two weeks I begin what will be a wild month of October. Two multiple day concerts in Vegas and Denver and two weeks with my bestie in West Bend. After that, I probably will welcome any downtime. And begin to plan my trip along the East Coast in the Springtime. And try once again, to rein in the food addictions. At least my body is crying out for healthier food.

I have to do better on the road. I grabbed A LOT of McDoubles when I was starving and didn't plan well. I do NOT want to cook on the road, however there are choices that would be healthier than a McDouble and I need to work on that. Those chopped salads plus protein would be the easiest to get something close to fresh without sitting down in a restaurant or bringing a ton of cooking gear. I do not want to struggle with that the next trip! I will figure out some RTE options for a couple meals and try that, I saw one of my heroes on YouTube eating some Thai that was RTE and it looked pretty darn good!

Cicadas are cranking up. That is one noise I have had enough of. I will be grateful for all things though, and that even though it is sometimes challenging in and of itself, being retired is still where I want to be!

Let's see what I can get into!


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