10:44 a.m. - 2023-01-12
Stillness
It’s nearly 11am and I’m replaying the “I shoulds”. I hate them.
I slept until 6, got up for coffee and a delicious piece of my free baked goods the office doles out every week after sell by expiration. I drifted back to sleep.
I woke again around ten and had another sample of the baked goods. I really should not grab them as I was completely off sugar a year ago and now I’m solidly addicted again.
I’m lying here now listening to the best Indie Folk of 2022. It feels right and wrong all at the same time. I’m telling myself I should be up doing something, ANYTHING. These are the choices……. Cleaning and organizing (low interest lol). Drive to the preserve. Sit by the pool and enjoy the sunshine. Exercise. Delete some of the thousands of documents and pictures I’ve accumulated on my phone. Go to a movie. Read. Ride my bike. So many choices and still I lie here letting the music wash over me. Just lie here in stillness.
Indie Folk is probably my favorite genre. Its soft emo tones touch something deep within me. It does make me long for something unknown but lurking, feeling missing. I have this talk often with myself. I’ve had great partners and I’ve had crappy ones. I’m selfish now and want my time and choices for me. But I guess sometimes loneliness does seep in. I don’t search out connection, I don’t want it. But there’s a little part of me that wishes I had more of it.
I know that more “busyness” would help. But with that, new problems would arise. I feel like I should be of service in some way, give back…. But my insecurity and fear keeps me from stepping up.
All this neurosis but in the end, last night I felt completely at peace with my day. My only desire is that I be more ok with just “being”. Not feeling I have to fill my hours with something to make me feel productive. I am so fortunate to want little in life, and be satisfied with what humble surroundings I have. To be single and able to retire and enjoy life. I must begin to plan my summer itinerary! Even that gives me some anxiety. Last year’s trip was perfect! Seeing the UP, staying with friends and family…. It was affordable and beautiful. I must trust myself that I will again find that peace and beauty! Decide on new places to visit!
I downloaded a meditation app. Another thing I could be doing. I’ve been dabbling and I like it!
I’m so fortunate. So very very fortunate. I have to remember that when my mind works on me.
