10:16 a.m. - 2021-10-26
Three days until Ween/Denver. I guess I'm ready. I'm trying to do a little each day and keep it stress free. It is sad, that this is the end of the road for my trips. I guess I'll have to plan another soon! In another week, Brit will be having her hip surgery so I will hang out in case I'm needed. I sure need some nature though. And solitude.
It's 78, so not as cool as I'd thought. But the humidity has definitely improved.
I spent a lot of time in thought yesterday. I am in my head way too much. Constantly taking inventory of my life and making sure that it is as good as it can be. I wonder what it's like for those people who are in a relationship. Of course there are moments of companionship, of support, that feel rewarding. Unfortunately, I can't see the real value in that, having experienced real love and a great relationship for a number of years. Having experienced so many unfulfilling brushes with humans. I am not satisfied with just a warm body in the room. Someone who MIGHT have been my soul mate at one point, but has become nearly indistinguishable in later years with a whole pack of learned patterns. Mommy didn't help us out, ladies. Those overachiever moms in the Midwest sure set us up for some harsh reality! So many women there are trapped in fear of what could happen and stay put inside the perimeters their men have designated. I'll never forget the shock and awe my coworkers expressed, that I decided to go to the Coldplay concert and drove solo to Chicago! Those people stay close to family, and they don't color outside the lines too much! A relationship like that would suffocate me!
Joni is busy planning cruises, gambling trips. Most of my friends are still working. So my friends have become my Ween family. I will miss them when my trips are done, and I've completed my 10 shows, all but one in this year! They are a devilishly good group, tons of fun. And the connections with Ween folks, has been mostly satisfying. I currently talk with several guys from all points of the U.S. One in Cali, one in Washington State, and one in NYC. That's more than enough for me. Arm's length connections. I used to have such disdain for Mom, locking herself away in her fortress and only allowing those few family members who were regulars, in. I am beginning to understand her motives completely.
After this trip, I plan on getting a few things done around the homestead. I had dreams of fixing everything at once, but I can see the plan will be one thing at a time, and as they die completely. I have some soft spots in the floor, but as long as I can navigate them safely, they will remain. I have a crumbly water spigot knob. God knows what might lurk under this place. I have to pay for a full inspection and see what needs to be done. And decide if the money is worth it. When you only pay ten grand for a place, you don't really know how much you want to "improve" it. we'll see.
I'm sipping my Canna-coffee and anticipating a walk, or a swim. These cooler temps may have reduced the pool to not so pleasant temperature. I never use the clubhouse, and there are pool tables in there, and a really nice library! I have to, at some point, head on over to Kohls and round out my Denver attire. And I feel sort of tired. I might just have to rest some more!