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8:39 p.m. - 2018-08-09
Wheeeeeeee ride that roller coaster girl!
Good couple days. Bad night before that. :( BUT it is definitely MUCH better after that vape bag.. LOL

Yep, Granny does green. I always have and I always will as long as it doesn't really start to kill me. I hiked a bike up a hill half mile and biked for an hour above that. I easily climbed the observation tower. I'm holding my own. But I NEEDED to be stoned tonight. Yesterday was perfect sober. Tonight I need it.

Two days ago, a tiny dream came true for me. I was able to spend another day out with Jay sober and doing stuff we both enjoyed. It was heaven. I don't think he had to get on to me for anything that day lol EXCEPT I was excited about my find and trying to show him and didn't realize that traffic was stopped for us. THAT kind of stuff gets him anxious. PTSD. I love him so dearly and it kills me. I was quiet a lot that day. HE drove (of course he did, with PTSD NOBODY wants to ride with ME I'm careless and he would have shit himself lol) and we visited numerous spots. (he recounted each one verbally later that day) We started out at Dutch's Trading Post in Appleton I believe? (I was trying to behave lol) It was a small sporting goods store that he'd visited for 30 plus years. We then went to a bigger sporting goods store, a huge one. TWO levels. IN A MALL!!!! MY GOD I WAS IN HEAVEN lol SO good to see this man doing something outside that he enjoyed. We also visited a cool as hell import store, Satori in Oshkosh. They have a free t-shirt deal if you spend $35 and I found two things I loved and came in just over that. I gave it to Jay, in a color that looks so awesome on him. BLUE. We ate linner? at Taco John's, a place he looked for near where he went to school. It wasn't at that location, but there was one in the food court. There, we encountered another snag. The clerk, a young man, screwed up our order. When he pushed a tray with THREE whopping potato olays I knew it was not what we ordered. Jay told them, and another onlooker I guess a trainee stood by just dumbfounded. THEN a manager came over. They all had these blank expressions on their faces. It only took Jay a minute or less of that, and he just grabbed up the tray or told me to, I cant remember. He said "Sometimes, it's better just to eat them than to try and get it worked out" or something. He was frustrated. That guy has ONE customer and he couldn't get it right THEN the three of them looked like clowns. He does NOT tolerate that kind of ridiculousness. Jobs should be thought out and done correctly the first time. Nothing should have to be redone. THINK before you act. He is a perfectionist and that was encouraged by his being able to excel in anything he ever did. I mean EVERYTHING. The only thing he cannot do is play music but he is nearly a savant with the vast love and knowledge he has of it, and familiarity with music terms and structure. BUT he will not take it up as a hobby because it is not necessary. Sad. Sort of. Or sad for me because without writing, and some other hobbies of mine I would die. He is quite an unusual man.

We visited a fabulous (third ranked in Wisconsin) state park Tuesday as well. We didn't have to pay, just asked to drive through. When Jay saw the tower, he had to try and make it up. He scanned it a moment, then thought out the number of steps/levels. And he made it. It nearly wore him out and he was a little shaky at moments but he did it. And I have the picture of us up there with Lake Winnebago in the background and I will always treasure it. We were out from about 2:30 until 8 that evening. And he was just glowing inside from all that he had gotten to do. He has zero transportation now until he can get the scooter fixed or his truck. It breaks him down but he is too proud to accept my help and I get that. "I could not pay you back" he told me. I said "You don't have it someone else one day". I am almost welling up just speaking those words. But I would do a lot for him if he would allow it. He said something that did resonate with me. He said he did not need or want help because then he would begin to take it for granted. Every relationship he has been in has ended badly and from his viewpoint he was screwed over. He said he will never trust another woman and he has a protective bubble that nobody will penetrate. "I know exactly where I am going, and exactly what I am going to do." I get it all now. I can see him so clearly. But he doesn't want to be seen. It makes my heart break.

Really DO NOT want anything more than what we have right now. I love spending time with him but too much is too much. Both of us have breaking points. But I adore spending time with him, to learn and to observe a man who has enough passion for three people. Who is loyal and true and good. And who had a very nasty thing happen to the very good man that he was.

Jay had a good upbringing. Lucky that way. Succeeded at everything. Worked so hard. He is such a good, good man. But that accident either amped up the booze (well, YEAH, he has nothing else to do...God Damn I fucking hate that. I remember now him saying that.) or just the increased time to do it. Either way he is in the bag early in the evening. And IF I am to continue to spend time with this guy who otherwise enriches my life ALOT and is fun to hang out with, I am going to be the one with boundaries. He has HIS and I have to have mine too. I have to be the one to say when. I have to limit myself on the beer. I have to leave when things start to go south, not join in. The other night we both were so tired it was awful. And the worst thing was that I knew when we drove up I needed to go home. It would not end well. But I stayed because I do enjoy being with him so much and we had so much fun.....Just a few beers....and three a.m. rolls around and here I am in the kitchen with my nightgown on over my jeans and he is angry at me again. I am too close. I am too caring. I am too mothering, smothering. It is ME....I sigh. I don't know what to do. I have decided to step up and take MY consumption under control.

I swear I don't want to change his life. Only make it better, more positive. He just doesn't want to get used to that either I suppose or I just annoy him. I love my life (when I get home and decompress and regain my self respect ...sigh again...) I immediately got up the next morning and headed out for High Cliff State Park in Sherwood, WI. OMG what an amazing trip and prefect thing to do to get my head on straight. There are so many things to see and do there, it's the #3 visited park in Wisconsin. I biked, went INTO the water but the algae was toooooo much yuck. I had a fire. I FISHED!!!! I went out to eat. I really had a great time.

When I returned yesterday, I received a call from Jay. He asked me to come over, and said he missed my kooky ass. I was melting. I did go over, and I did practice some restraint. And things were very good. We ate food, we didn't argue lol and we went to bed happy. He was reaching over to me putting his arm on me and talking talking talking at 3:30 in the morning! I laughed and told him good night.

I know this is not conventional. I am not conventional. And I cannot keep drinking. Even with restraint and only having I think 2 or stomach feels bad this morning. It sure did make a difference though, in my behavior to keep somewhat sober. AND I was able to focus more and not cry lol THIS is the way I have to continue if I want to be around Jay. And I do. He makes me laugh my ass off, and has the sweetest side. As he entered the porch last night, he made sure to say nite nite to Toad Toad who lives on the side of his yard and catches critters lol He asked me tons of times if I was ok. He is a caring person trapped inside a wounded body who has been abused too often by women. I hate to see jaded,,,,in men or women. Every person and situation is different. There is always tomorrow. You never know what is around the next bend. Most of the best things that have happened to me were rather whimsical. Wonderful. I will continue to ride this wave to wherever it takes me. I love the wisdom. Jay is thousands of years old. The passion. Jay is the deepest feeling man for a macho man that I have ever known. So deep. And losing his dear mother at 20 was most certainly a horribly pivotal event for him. I am here to fill that void, or any other void that helps him smile during his day. Because he makes my heart full. And I feel the wind and wild in my hair and the call of all things outdoors. I feel younger. And I AM in good physical shape for my age. I am in reality, about the same or better probably than I've been since I worked out ardently in my 20's. Since then it's been off and on and more dreaded. Now I can't wait to move, don't want to stop. Maybe because most of my friends are more limited. But that just scares me when I think maybe things are going crazy on the inside.....the other shoe

STOP! Breathe. One moment at a time...…. Ahhhhhhh


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