11:11 p.m. - 2018-08-01
Slippin On Down the Slope
Ahhhh. I didn't have that this morning. But I've regained control again. I got up, got out and kept pushing through til I excavated the me I put kind of on the back burner when I get cranked up over at Jay's.
I am getting worried. The patterns are so familiar. I want to fix anything and everything. It is always who I have been. And there are so many loose ends to fix with him. But I can't. I am slowly affecting his ways with me. I confirm more every day that this man is not like ANY other I have known. I am pretty sure, as I have said before, that he falls on the spectrum somewhere. But God, who doesn't these days. And I don't really want to waste too much time on boring people. Spectrum people are NOT boring. And I suspect the challenge aspect of it is alluring as well. But I swear, when I sit there and look into his eyes, and deeper into his heart and soul, as he reveals more and more who he is and the vast knowledge he has of so many things I am into.... I fall a little more every time I visit. My sister said "you need to not put all your eggs into that basket". I quickly barked back, What basket would that be???? THERE IS NO FUCKING BASKET blah blah blah, I cannot help what my heart feels and I will continue on this journey and if I get hurt it will NOT be the first time and I will NOT die.
In the span of 30 hours give or take, this man apologized to me for bad behavior. Three times. He is learning me and knows areas I am sensitive or afraid in. He shut me down for talking over him but instead of just hanging up and not speaking to me for days possibly, he easily let me go, stating "I'm going to go, you are talking over me (mumbles a little) and I'll talk to you tomorrow." I didn't say a word and then he hung up. I was miffed. I overlook so much with him because I see such value. But then again, I am not broken from my waist down, struggling to just get here and there without a tenth of the mobility I had before. I do not have nerve tingles and irritations that make me just want to be alone and deal within my safe zone. He has overcome a TON. He could still overcome MORE. But that is his deal. I do not suggest, I do not pry, I accept what I get and I don't pitch a fit. Isn't that what the kids say? And that allows me to spend time with someone who fascinates me and teaches me new things every time we are together. Who is growing more and more patient with me and that is HUGE. I KNOW I am a handful. But I am giving things my best shot because we have so many things in common, within our interest ranges and in spirit. He has a very gentle and tender spirit that comes out often when he is drinking. I see NO mean behavior any more. No political rantings. Just laughter. Goofiness. And promises of incredible adventures awaiting in the fall. We have TWO back to back concerts and each will be incredible. We will go from GHOST in Chicago one night to WEEN in Milwaukee the next. GREAT times coming. Wild rice in the river nearby to be seen, or harvested. Trapping adventures. Collecting lake glass. I am not a real opinionated person about killing animals because I understand the balances of the ecosystem and that animals need to be regulated. That makes it a little easier. I'm excited about experiencing a new thing in this new world of mine. And seeing something Jay is so passionate about through his eyes will delight me beyond belief. I really am a simple person. And I think if I didn't have so many words, I would be much easier for him to deal with. But I have to remember that those WORDS are me. I cannot sacrifice myself to please someone else again. I have to stay true to who I am. That's why these nights here and there where I stay home, accomplish things, and come back to center are important. Jay is full of pain and rough places with not a lot of light coming through for a number of reasons. The things he enjoys, he is passionate about. More passionate than anyone I have ever known and it makes me wildly excited but also sad in a way. I hate seeing what he was and is now through HIS eyes. I could not care more for him in any other condition. I just love who he is. He is tough, and can be misogynistic but I try to overlook that. He was raised by a tough German dad and a tough Native American mom. He is old fashioned. So when he tells me I'm talking too much....lol I listen and I obey. I never thought I would ever ever want to do that for anyone again. But he is THAT special. The only thing I have a real problem with is that I am drinking more than I should be And most certainly enabling HIM although he has that pat answer down, he would be doing it anyway. Probably, but not with a fresh 30 that I've just brought :( . Staying up late the nights I"m there, and creating a whole OTHER schedule than the one I am used to is not great for me. IF I come home and just push through the shame or self judgement and get shit done I am fine. If I run with it, which I easily COULD in Winter....it could be very rough. Hiding out in my place. I overthink things. Jay keeps saying things about keeping in the moment. Not worry about things that haven't happened yet. It is healthy. And difficult for me. I'm vulnerable and I"m really attached to Jay. I want to extend a hand but am often fearful of fangs. I cannot belive though, his apologies to me. So unbelievable. He said "Forgive me for my tyranny." Wow. And so I march on. I dance to the fun and frivolous. I try to contribute happiness where I can. And I try to create memories for us all. That's what it is all about the moments that take our breath away. There have been a lot more these days. In all areas. So great to be retired.
Cooked like a madwoman for Nikki's birthday tomorrow. My family favorite turkey and stuffing. I will be happy to please yet another person with my cooking. So satisfying and wonderful. A gift I've always given freely, and as long as I can stand and coordinate things well, I always will.
Gotta jam some of these tunes and figure out a new playlist. For the booze cruise Saturday morning if it goes down. Or for the porch chronicles....lol We fumble SO when we are listening for new stuff and wear out our favorites. Then when I'm asked what I want to hear...I COME UP BLANK !!!!
I love technology and the ability to have so much great music right there....at our fingertips. I will hate when I get to the point that I cannot navigate technology. It is so fun. MOST of the time.
