3:42 p.m. - 2018-07-21
Home Again.........
Very tired and dragging Nonna. I arrived yesterday at 7 p.m. in Orlando. The flight was one of the worst delays ever and we sat on the tarmac for a long while. I destroyed all my battery power long before we arrived in Florida. BUT when the headphones came off...the magic began again.
I had a very strong feeling that this flight I would meet someone exceptional. It has happened several times, as I'm so open and easy to talk to. I was not disappointed. It was Christian who spoke up first, as soon as the juice drained from my battery. I was careful to not get TOO chatty as it can really work on some people, and those around. But he was just so charming, and fun to talk with. A really sweet boy traveling to Florida to spend some time with his older brother. Mom was equally charming. We talked for a very long time and enjoyed each other's company so much we plan to make plans. She goes to Latin Clubs in Chicago and I would LOVE to do that, experience another culture having that much fun. She works in Chicago as a mortgage broker. Her son just got his first car, proudly announced to me. A 2000 Honda Accord. Just a wonderful kid. I was totally exhausted though when we were finally wheels down in Orlando.
Being me, and all scattered, I wandered out toward the pick up area. No battery OF COURSE lol I borrowed a phone on the shuttle to call Christa and tell her where I was. And waited in that HUMIDITY UGH! Starving and tired we left the airport and had a good meal at Cheddars and drove home where I jumped into bed pretty quickly. GOOD but long day,
Probably didn't help that I was at Jay's the night before all night. UP til around 4. This schedule is not good for me, or usual. Party til the wee hours listening to music, dancing, laughing. Sharing touch, but never crossing the lines. I am an absolute FREAK over touching smooth skin lol Then some food and crash. I have to limit myself on these visits. I am nearly 60. Even if I feel and act about 40 lol
Jay is changing slowly. I am passing the tests. I cannot be anything but what I am. IF I pass, I pass. If I don't.....I will find the next path. I just care so much. So fascinating this man. Full of knowledge and passion. So fucking bright. And interesting. He isn't mean to me any more. I bring food so that his whole diet is not beer and Kwik Trip food. I enjoy it because I AM a good cook and a nurturer. Nothing makes me happier than to put a smile on someone's face with my cooking. He frequently mentions the future, meeting people doing things. I bring a smile to his face when I visit. I am ALWAYS happy these days. The ONLY time I am sad over there is when he slips back into self loathing around the accident. Hating that he fell off the roof so unnecessarily. Thinking about how he used to walk tall, strong as a bull, worked very hard with very good work ethic. Planning his life. What happens when we plan???? And then his talk goes from happy to "I don't even care, I don't want to be around much longer." That kills me. Then I cry, and he sees and he says "BUT I'm happy right now." I cannot even IMAGINE, what he has gone through and continues to go through as his nerves shoot off impulses and his legs stretch out for who knows where with every step. Balance without a cane is tricky.
I would do almost anything for Jay. If there were any way I could bring back a tenth of who he was I would give up anything. Such a beautifully complicated but fascinating man. I am gone. There is no coming back.
The trip home came at a good time. Balance and space. I have been doing way too much beer swilling. My throat is sore from abuse. A week clean will either convince me I CAN reduce my habits or it will confirm that the coughing is permanent damage and I am on the slippery slope toward emphysema. And THIS is what I think about all that.
I am working out OFTEN. I am in better shape physically than I think I ever have been before. At 60!!!!! My headphones have opened the door to much longer walks lol I eat less. I owe this to Jay, to his weirdness and making me think about actually being with a man again. I am perfectly happy with all areas in my life. I do what I love and I don't waste too many moments. I am living a life a lot of people just dream of. NO, I don't have super nice stuff, a big fancy SUV and a beautiful house. I live modestly and I love fully. I enjoy life. I will continue to. If I get five or ten more FANTASTIC years, I will be happy. I would LIKE to live longer but I know the next few years will be my best. Age may be just a number but AGING never stops. So I go. And go. Along the way I meet some beautiful people. I learn something every day, especially when I spend time with Jay. He has taught me so much. In the meantime though, the other night he began talking about being worried about himself. Had not had a shower in several days. He said "This is about the time when you should say "JAY, don't you think you need to take a shower?" I told him he was a grown ass man, smelled his armpits and told him he didn't smell bad AT ALL. (how does THAT happen???lol) and if he didn't want to take a shower, just save the money and enjoy it...lol I won't make suggestions or comment about his personal habits or lack of them. He is in charge of his life. My purpose is only to bring some sunshine to it. I constantly prepare myself for the time when your dance is done and our lives turn a different direction. I will be there. If he EVER decides he wants changes I will be there to help. If he EVER stops drowning in self loathing and wants to roll up his sleeves I will work side by side to do the things he needs to get done. THAT I believe is the single worst thing, to know that everything he wants to do now has to be a team sport. And forget jumping 4 feet off the ground like he used to....he illustrated about a 5 inch clearance the other night, falling over after landing. It kills him.
I don't see Jay as handicapped. I guess because I see SO much more that he is able to do, if he can overcome the loathing. He needs some goals to replace a work day. Something to accomplish daily and feel good about. A way to make more money (which he is fully able to do!!!) I have been through SO much shit in my life. I see what is required. But what is required right now is to be a good friend. Be there. And little else. I can do this. I have watched friends pass who wanted to live, wanted so much and they are gone. If he turns out to be another.....It is just the way things go. And if I end up getting sick.....he will have to suffer again. I would HATE that. I constantly tell people I AM HAPPY. IF I die, I will go out on TOP of my game. I got here. I survived.
I better get back to the family. I come 1200 miles to visit and hide in this room typing away. I have to drain some of the words and emotions that hemorrhage constantly from me. I am in a good place. But I miss my buddy :( I so hope he will have a good few days when I am gone. I left plenty of food for him for a few days. I'm not even really sure how all this happened after he threw me out a couple times, and unfriended me on FB multiple times but I love him. He stopped most of the "tests" and I am "In". And I am here. For whatever. For as long as need be.
