9:20 p.m. - 2018-04-23
The Visit, Installment two
Had to stop in, been so negligent.
Things have been up and down. Hard with Mom. She never asked me one question about me. She made negative comments about everything I ate (healthy, vegan type stuff) and when I told her how happy kayaking made me, that I could float all day and be happy she said "BORING!!!!!" It is just total opposite with she and I. I don't even hope for much any more. I will come in and do the hard last round stuff I guess. Then I will be valuable to HER same as I was to my father. SO FUCKED UP!!!!
BUT on a positive note I have created SO many good memories here with other family. I spent a week with my daughter and enjoyed that. I spent the weekend with Zach and Brit and we did the casino and Ybor City. We had a great time. Also went out Friday to see Cat 4 Band play at Caribbean Jacks. It was a really really good visit.
It has been a more balanced visit. With exercise, and better diet and control. I didn't use so much control though, on Saturday night when I attended a gal's retirement party (another USPS'er) and had the chance to entertain the gang again lol My partner in crime for many years was there and I had her rolling. I was buzzed enough by the two beer I'd had and little food, to reach comedienne status without going total batshit crazy on them lol It was a really really fun party, and I knew when to say when.
I haven't seem Mr. Price is Right yet, but I probably will. I promised WAY too many people I'd see them and I really really do not feel up to it.
I'm still a little sad about the whole thing with Jason. It's strange, there is very little about who he is that I like or agree with....so what is the draw. I don't even have to ask myself that, I KNOW what it was. Someone showed me attention....be it the wrong kind whatever, and I began to feel things I never though I would feel again. That's pretty heady stuff. And it DID spur me on to get serious about getting some weight off (I'm looking so much better, and I'm VERY happy about that!) and I love being active and getting almost addicted to it.
I tried Zach's rowing machine and I think I would like to get one. It works out so many parts at once lol and it isn't too bulky. I walk as much as I can fit in, and I've biked and swam and just had a great time being so busy. I feel back physically to where I was before I got sick in those first days.
But I do miss Jason. I'm not pining...it wasn't like that....it was just something I had fun with when I wasn't being emotionally abused. Laughing....listening to music. And I really did find him attractive and compelling when he was talking about his interests and the area. The rest was kind of just crazy bullshit though. Dangerous bullshit almost. He's not right. I am a true codependent who always wants to help or save someone. I have to get over that. Maybe get a puppy lol Still, I know that the level of involvement I want from another human being at this point, after being SO free and independent is very minimal. A night or two here and there would be just fine. Sex maybe....cooking....companionship. I have absolutely NO desire to be chained to anyone else.
We stopped at Sprinkles Cupcakes in Tampa on the way home. OMG. Should be illegal. I only had half of one but it was lemon meringue and it was amazing. THAT'S a love that won't let you down lol but yes, it will when you get diabetes!!!
