9:12 p.m. - 2018-04-08
Pre Vacay Humiliation and my no more fucks tour
OMG I feel like I've been put through a meat grinder.
Let's start off last Monday night. After my walk of shame on Friday, I went over to retrieve all lost items. Of course I had ulterior motives. The second time this guy met me he started talking penis. Asking questions. And I fired back. And started dropping weight and exercising. And actually WANTING that penis. Fast forward now I'M the one coming on like an (his words) eel for chum.
I got there fairly early Monday afternoon and we talked for a couple hours. Maybe too long. And things went south very fast. First he was demanding to know what I believed about things. Told me that the world was going to hell fast and people need to know what they believe I told him I just wanted six months to BREATHE and not think about any of it, and if that was a person he couldn't tolerate so be it. He said he still didn't trust me. I've probably been over there a half dozen times, or more. I fall fast. If I like you, you're in until you prove otherwise, NObody has to be initiated. But anyway, He had recently said I was a B-. I started at C I believe. But now I've failed. I got a big ol F. And I should be dancing a jig lol
As he began to tell me WHY he didn't trust me...I got it....the walls. So high....so much to overcome. And I spoke out....and over him. He BLEW up, started cursing at me and said nobody would do that in his home. I was stunned I got up and got my coat But as I gathered things up I went to get a cigarette from his pack. He came in and snatched them from me, threw them on the table and told me not to ROB him. I was totally dumbfounded now. I gathered my stuff...and went over to him...with I'm sure a wounded look, kissed two fingers and tried to touch him and he slapped my hand out of the way. Now I was humiliated and totally embarrassed. He wouldn't even turn on the light for me to get out without falling. He said GET OUT OF MY HOUSE and just "point yourself that way"
I was so sick about all this the night before I left home for Florida. It haunted me all the way to South Carolina where I began to let go and enjoy family then I got another msg. A clip he felt I would enjoy. I responded with a couple of wildlife pics from Mr Donald's wall. And apologized for invading his personal space. I realized after the eel comment that what I was doing to him, despite the come on in the early days, was unwanted and I was no better than the men we have chastised since things became so public I felt so ashamed. No excuse for the extreme behavior. Most definitely. But this is one fucked up guy. Someone who had it all in the palm of his hand and worked his ass off for all he had and now he has lost so much of it. He still owns his house, and has a truck or two. But he sits and drinks all day long and rarely goes out. Unless it's to get another 12 pack and something to eat. I tried very hard to be a good force in his life, but it is very obvious there is no room for me in his world and it is most definitely best for me not to spend time with people who don't HELP me be a better person. I really enjoy him, his personality his crazy zany stuff. So much like me. But give me some boundaries dude???? Don't come on to me constantly in text and in person drunk or not, and then call me an eel when it looks tasty? What eel can resist.
and after the clip he sent, and my apology...further hurt...."I don't need apologies, simply best to surround myself with people who understand" Whoa.....that sucked. I think I've been pretty understanding but anyway. THen I was promptly blocked again on FB
I know this sounds insane. It is. I am going to work so hard on myself and getting my shit together in Florida. I had started drinking, and just not taking care of myself. Yoga. Need some yoga.
Me. Now. My heart hurts little. I don't love the guy but it really breaks my heart what he has gone through. I would like to be someone he could trust but I could not take that kind of punishment to help someone who doesn't even want it. He wants to be miserable. Run people off. He is so very troubled And so very beautiful. I am a sucker for these people, I think they call it codependent.
I'm wrapping up my cross country tour and will be in Florida tomorrow late. I have seen mountains, and streams, and hot guys and casino, and "deliverance food" and the most wonderful lakefront rental, and family and flowers and birds and I am just so very very grateful for this day and everything in it. Tomorrow the grandkids and Christa. I will be ?home?
Oh, and I forgot to add that I visited the walk-in yesterday and was treated for possible pneumonia Further complicating this trip lol But it still ROCKED a great deal of the time Like the kayak today......
