7:57 p.m. - 2018-03-20
I effin love my life
Ok. I'm a bonafide snowflake. I am having such an extraordinary life right now, it is just hard. I don't know how weird this will sound but I feel like I have been restored. Places in me that have not been open for years are opening.
This morning, as I packed, I went through some pics of family. My daddy. Eating. I laughed, wondering if my voracious appetite came from him? I recalled how he would always share his food with us, whether he had taken a bite, if he thought that we would like it. And he was a shameless flirt with any and ALL waitresses lol. Then I got sad. I thought about all the struggles my father had All the struggles I have had. And I began to really wish that he were here right now and I could talk with him about them. Tell him I understand things so much better now. Forgive him more. There is a definite chain of mental disorder in our family. 5 out of 6 sixters have exhibited bizarre and emotional behavior at one time or another. But GOD, we were exposed to SO much. I am done blaming people but I am definitely always going to default to the crazy and dysfunctional way I grew up at some times, as hard as I struggle against it.
Then I'm high as a kite as I begin to get things together to move. Everything is coming together in such a beautiful way. I am so grateful and I tell everyone. But I think it may have been overkill for one of my friends.
I have recently developed a sort of friendship with a fellow through a mutual friend. He is disabled. 2.5 years ago, he fell off his roof and his very satisfying life changed forever. He can walk, but not with ease. He will never do the work he loved. He is a good soul. I felt an immediate VERY strong connection. And it confused me for quite a while because this guy is the epitome of what I railed against for the last 10 years.
He's sexy. He's smart. He's guarded. He's broken. Danger Danger. He's reduced himself to a shadow of what he was through daily drinking and depression. He spends most of his time alone, in his home from what I've seen. But when I go over there, I enjoy the time.....I enjoy getting to know this strange fellow. I did NOT grow up around man's men. My father probably was the MOST I was exposed to. So I guess that meakes him somewhat curious. But....
As I read his stinging message on facebook tonight I began to see things in a different light. We had exchanged several videos, remarks etc. Then he says "Cool, what I am going to do is try to relax." Sending things that are unimportant are a waste of everyone's time. (I am that person who sees something that I "THINK" someone might like and forward but I HAVE been guarded and followed his cues I THINK. Or I thought. I guess not.
It hurts to have this response. I have been nothing but nice to him....enjoyed and complimented him. But he's deeply troubled. I cannot take this personally. He's done it before and apologized profusely afterward. I don't understand it, but for now I feel like for some reason I am supposed to be in his life or perhaps he in MINE and teach me some things. He said he would teach me to fish. He said he would do other things. He said he cares about Amy and I....and we help him so much. But then he goes dark and says THESE things.
I remember the look on his face, the endless apologies after doing this to me before. I really feel thius guy is supposed to be in my life in some way. The electricity was undeniable. But I feel in a mother/sister/friend capacity. Not a romp. Of course being a shut in, he talks of that frequently. I have, I'll admit, been taken to fantasize. I am shocked by this. I don't know what it is with this guy but I'm smitten. I am prepared for heartbreak and don't think I will even have it. I am realizing my love is huge and cannot be contained within one relationship. I am discovering so many things.
I want to take his hand and help him fly. I am soaring right now. I see so much more for him than drinking on the couch all day. I see a rich bounty of history and knowledge of this region. I see a man who had everything and lost most of it in the fall. I see a good man. A very good man. I know all the codependency jargon backwards and forwards. But I have decided to accept my quirks as they come and be prepared to deal with whatever outcome. I have encountered numerous people in the past month, as I have blossomed, who have confirmed my worthiness.
OH< the revelation....I think the really deep physical attraction to this new friend is that he reminds me a lot of my father. Very man's man and unyielding, but with a soft center. I know he has that. Daddy has been on my mind lately.
Whatever, I am in the best possible place I could be and I am going to fuel that ride and continue it as long as possible. Carpe Diem. I love my interesting life. I would not have it any other way.
