12:37 a.m. - 2018-02-06
PTSD :(
Friday will go down in history as one of the weirdest days of my life. Without going into a lot of detail I was put into a situation where sexual overtures were offered that made me feel dirty. I immediately found my self propelled back in the past to times when I was trapped in such situations. Where just to fit in went along with them against my real desire. It was a horrible reminder of my "freer" days and giving in to pressure, doing things I didn't really want to do. Hearing the incredibly hurtful words from a sex buddy at 20? That I was good enough to jump but not enough to date. And still I fell into this
Too many times. Just wanting to be loved or held.
I was there for a purpose Friday . I was there to make small talk for a short time because of that purpose. I did not expect words like penis to be a part of that conversation. This fella is an alcoholic with a lot of issues and I wanted to run like the wind. I've been in shock ever since. I let myself sibk into filth again for a moment. I didn't say stop, and even tried to shock him in return. I've been in hidibg too long....
Retirement on track. Can't get here faat enough.
