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11:32 p.m. - 2018-01-25
Sad, Mad, and Glad. All in one day. It is hard to be me at times...
It was an awful day. And a great one. Probably the most dramatic swing I've had in years. If ever.

I wasn't scheduled to work until 2:30 P.M. so I looked forward to a leisure morning. Sleeping in, maybe watch a little tv and have some lunch before having to work in the afternoon.

I happened to wake early and rolled over to look at, of course, my phone. I saw that my boss texted. He is in training this week. What I saw in that text would send my spirits spiraling.

"Serious!" "You missed a scan and I am screwed for the entire YEAR!!! You cannot open alone any more!"

I was stunned. Half asleep. wounded. Embarrassed. and more stunned. And had a huge degree of anxiety wondering how this could have happened. He attached a copy of a report the Big Cheese sent him with the failure information to the text with just two words HIS BOSS had typed.... "CALL ME" That is something nobody wants to see from the Cheese.

I have little self esteem anyway, and this chipped away at my reserve pretty quickly. I immediately called my boss to better understand. To ask him to explain what the text meant, how I had screwed up.

"It's right there"! he barked. You can't do HEADERS you can't scan PARCELS, you can't work alone!" It was a real gut punch.

I thought about that text. How inappropriate it was, and who could I give it to who might care? Union? It sure stung. I cried buckets of tears. I dreaded going to work. I beat myself up. I barely know these people, have only been there in that office since Dec 9.

I got a lengthy text within a short time, apologizing in depth. "I'm a Jerk" he said. And I replied "I am beginning to think so!" He said we would talk Monday. If I didn't want to work with him whatever, but he would work with me if I wanted to stay through the carrier counts.

I know what it is to have pressure from above. My first office here in Cheeseland was a shock to the system. My boss, though kind hearted, would laugh nervously when she discovered something I'd messed up. Or look at me like I had three eyes. And I went RIGHT back to my childhood when my father would drag me back over and over because I just hadn't done a good enough job.

I drove 1200 miles to get out of a bad work situation as well as toxic relationships and I have never regretted it. But it was gutsy. All my STUFF in my car and in the plastic car topper I bought on Amazon. 21 hours. Just my GPS phone app and my little car. To a place where I was only guaranteed 10 hours a week but had faith more would come. And they did. Until now.

I spent most of my life in the same county until the last ten years. I am not a gal who enjoys a lot of change although ironically I brought it in SO many ways. This time I jumped well and I have experienced so many awesome things. Things of beauty. Entertainment. Different cultures and some countries. More cow crap than I ever thought I'd smell.....and I keep plugging away. But I'm getting tired. And crazy sometimes. And getting out may be here in two months. Thank God. I dream of kayaking, and planting flowers and growing tomatoes on my little deck. I look forward to the fire bowl. I look forward to such a very reasonable place to live. I am grateful.

I managed to get through the rest of the day. It wasn't easy I felt in a fog for most of it, kind of in shock. I just got in this office December 9. I have picked things up relatively quickly. I pointed that out in the very lengthy email I wrote after his rude comments on the phone. I also pointed out that I am different. Call me a snowflake. I have always been super sensitive, empathetic, and it can be so great and so awful. I own that shit now. I am very caring, and love people. I am a ditz at times. I am very intelligent, personable. And a good soul. A bit mental, but that comes with my lineage. So many of us have suffered so much...

So I finished the night meeting a friend and her friend for some relaxing conversation and a little "letting down of the hair" so to speak. I met a new friend. It was nice.

I don't get out much yet here. So many new things and emotional transitions. BUT....I can assure you that is going to change. I'm going to get great hair (I still have SO much) and I'm going to get active and I'm going to wear this retirement thing in all its glory. No purple and red hat though. There was a time when I thought yes...but now...definitely NO. Maybe a free flowing skirt and peasant blouse. Who knows and who cares I won't have to WORK!!!! I can wear something besides the uniform I have worn for so long. I will find something that feels super comfortable and reflects my inner quirk. I do not care who approves or not once I'm outta there. I have a friend who scoffed at my Goodwill Shopping. She warned: "My sister in law arrived in her GOODWILL clothes thinking she was pretty spiffy, but se looked like she was one step away from the gutter".
REALLY?????Pfhhhhht!! I do not give a flip about that kind of stuff. I aim for clean, well groomed and somewhat coordinated. Casual. And that is who I am. Never trendy. I adore Goodwill.

I dropped off the check today for my new place. AND the washer and dryer thank goodness I don't have to worry about appliances all are within 3 years old. I believe. NO dishwasher, but I will probably put one in. I've gotten so spoiled. I stood outside waiting for Lori to come to the door and glanced around the deck I am going to just love in the summer. It is all coming together. But it has been a ballbuster whirlwind and I still have a package of retirement papers here to complete. That is daunting enough.

I will be fine. I was so afraid that I might be making a mistake. I am, for once, living in the now. And NOW I am healthy and able to still rough it a little outdoors in this beautiful land. And smart. I will figure it all out. And truthfully....there WILL be money down the road. That is nearly inevitable. I don't count it in the bank but it is always in the back of my mind. Damn it.....I am going to cross off the important things in my life's bucket list. (still defending my decision :( Create a warm space for my grandkids to visit and bake with me, play games in their superhero (or Minecraft) bedroom. See some of the places in the U.S. I have missed....Utah, Washington, Oregon, so many but I have seen a lot. Make some amends with my poor mother. That, will probably be the biggest challenge.

I am so exhausted. But I promised myself I would stay up later tonight because I don't have to be in til 9:30 in the morning. I saw more deer on the side of the road today. I am happy for any time I don't have to drive in bad conditions. Another yay for retirement and heading down to Florida as much as I can when it is bitter here. Or getting fit and getting winter gear for adventure lol So....many....choices. RIP Darlene. I will have a drink for you my friend. I wish you had made it to the finish line :( And Amy, And Duke, and Zachary, and Melanie, and Rick, and Kenny. I know others but I'm too tired to think any more tonight. I worked with these people for most of my career. Call me neurotic, but losing them so young, drove home the meaning of Carpe Diem. And seize... I will.

 

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