10:05 p.m. - 2015-12-13
Broken Record
This may be my last entry for a while. I want to branch out in new directions and develop a blog that speaks to where I am in life at this moment. There are so many good websites to help get started. But not tonight.
Tonight, I'm weary. Weary of addiction, of struggle, of pain in joints. Weary of time passing too quickly and feeling lost in it all. So tonight is not the time to get involved in a new endeavor, especially so close to bedtime.
I've settled into the Midwest well. Luckily the weather has been incredible this fall. 60 today in Green Bay. Unheard of.
Work is great. First Christmas in 26 years that I may actually enjoy my work. I move around between 5 offices and each has a little different flavor. Everyone is nice. Not one rude customer in the four months I've been here.
I live in the basement of my daughter and son-in-law's home. Not where I thought I'd be at 57 but so far it's allowed me to work few hours and grow closer to the family who have been so far away. I no longer chase a relationship and am learning to enjoy time with myself more than I ever thought I would.
My only complaint is my constant addiction issues. Inability to gain control. I feel joint pain that I can only guess has something to do with the 30 pounds I've gained over the last two years. I don't drink enough water, or take vitamins. I scold my mother for continuing to smoke with COPD, while I kill myself with high fat foods, diet soda, and inactivity. And I mourn the fact that life is passing so quickly and I have no idea how much longer I will be around to adore its wonder. And still.....I eat.
I'm down to the last ditch effort to get a grip. So I'm starting a new blog to journal, explore, record triumphs....and failures. To write about all the things that make me the special person I know I am to so many, as well as my failings. The ditzy things I do that drive my new boss so crazy. Just anything that comes to mind that might trigger something that will help me stop the madness and hold on to life a little tighter.
At least I'm sleeping more here. I was playing Russian roulette with sleep patterns in Florida. I make sure I get enough here because I want to excel at work. I enjoy my job. I strive to do good work.
I got my first speeding ticket in years the other day. I was late for the first time since I arrived here and was trying desperately to make up the time while KNOWING that the police patrol here regularly. I got snagged. And probably good that I did because I won't do it again. But I'll be $225 poorer this Christmas because of it. And that is another thing I need to work on. Getting out of the house just a few minutes earlier so that this kind of thing doesn't happen. So that I get makeup on EVERY day, not just the days I have a few extra minutes.
But it all falls back to the addiction. If I didn't feel so shameful and slothful.....I'd be much more motivated to be organized and productive. I talk to friends and we parrot the same thoughts. Filling some emptiness with food. Loneliness? Anxiety? Or just plain old love of flavor???? This has been going on with me since I was a small child clearing the leftovers off everyone else's plates after dinner out. Having my girlfriend collect the homemade rolls and butter my classmates in elementary school were not going to eat for me. Making my own cookies for school. The ironic thing is, I started dieting AND drinking diet soda before I was 12. Fresca. Tab. Packing lunches for myself that were better than what was offered at school. And thinking I was fat at 123. SOFT, yes. FAT, no.
I even watched Eating to Save My Life the other day, and as disgusting as it was to see an obese man dissected and tons of yellow globs of fat beneath his skin.....I still have downed thousands of calories of very unhealthy food since then.
It's do....or die.
