9:35 p.m. - 2014-12-08
Stepping off the merry-go-round long enough to write
Damn, what a difference a few months makes.
I will not go into detail but the past 10 months have included more drama than I've dished out in my entire life. I find myself sitting here thinking that my life is being sucked from me and feel afraid to do the next right thing and walk away.
For the entire time Lori and I have been together, she has been unemployed with the exception of a couple of odd jobs/ebay sales. I am perplexed and frustrated by someone who has the capability to work, knowing jobs are out there, and for whatever reason flies by the seat of their pants. This just freaks me out. I've always been one paycheck away from broke but I knew I'd land on my feet.
People like have provided free living accomodations, friendships, everything she needed and much more. She draws things that way. Hell, can't say I'd seek work if I had that going. You look at her and you see this good, and kind person who seems so pure of heart and so wounded. And you want to fix all that brokeness or at least help. And things were all ablaze in the beginning. I'd connected with someone in alot of ways that were fun. But it didn't take long for me to see that I was not in love with this woman. And I'd bought into the wounded thing for so long I feared causing any small fracture of her soul. So I tried to be patient and wait thinking perhaps when she had her own place, and was more independent, the feelings might return to what they were.
And then Christmas began to happen. And my mother's illness. And the fact that this is the first Christmas I've been on excellent ground with all my children and financially able to buy nice gifts for them. And have been pretty absorbed when I'm NOT working OVERTIME in finding cool stuff for them. I'm working more than I should be, a choice at first and mandatory now. There is no room in this life for drama and relationship right now. And the sad truth is that despite the wonder I sometimes see in Lori, there is too much instability and sensitivity for me to be able to stay with her. I need someone who has more confidence. And can at least be my equal.
I hate hurting people. I want everyone to be happy and sail away into the sunset too! But the difference is I started working when I was 15 and with the exception of a two year stint as a young mother, I have worked ever since. It's not that hard. People do it every day. I know she had emotional troubles. But she's right, She isn't moving fast enough for my desires. And I've moved totally away from any intimacy.
So I guess at this point all that's left is to define what is left. Or not. Or never speak again. I don't know what is best. I honestly, for the first time in my life (and I applaud this!) do not feel that I NEED someone to complete me. I in fact feel that I would actually ENJOY some alone time, and focusing on my children and exploring who I am at this time in my life. It is a very scary path at times. Aging sucks. Majorly.
But I can't say all that to her. Because then curt ok and silence might be the next move. Or the barage of sad sack texts follow immediately. I know, I'm being worked. There is not much between us in a while but my ability to provide fun and refreshment and someone to talk to. Watch tv with. I have done ALOT financially for her. And though she is grateful..... it WOULD be nice to have that done for me once in a while. To not have to wonder if she's going to be able to sweat up this month's rent. She's getting some interviews, and such but we aren't young and who knows when something permanent will come along. Temporary offerings for seasonal work have present soon......
It's not about money for me. Never has been. But it's to the point ofmy emotional survival now. And I have felt between the demise of my employer, this relationship drama, and recent discipline (ludicrious) at work added to the "joy" of the season (hated Christmas since I started 24 years ago) it's all just enough to push me over the edge. I hover there alot anyway. So I put the skids on for now and I need to fucking breathe. And not feel guilty for NEEDING to.
I had a good love. I threw it away. I've had everything from bad to in-between since. I used to listen to other women who said they NEVER wanted another relationship and think they were bitter and dried up. Now I get it. At my age many men are sedentary, have begun to experience illness, or at the very least have not aged well. Not that I'm all about looks EITHER. But you have to have some initial attraction unless you work very closely with someone. Time becomes much more precious. I took care of my boyfriend's dying mother for ten days. I am not ready to do that for a partner. Doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.....it's just a whole new ball game. I never thought I'd feel this way. I am finding at this age you have to recreate a bit to keep things interesting. Keep the blood flowing. And that's another story...... for now, I'd just like to slow down a tough and be able to figure out my life. It is a blur. And I'm missing the color.
