8:21 p.m. - 2014-01-07
If This Were My Last Night
Wow. What a life changing day. I had to face my biggest fear today. Being alone. And you know what? It really wasn't so bad. I actually enjoyed it. In retrospect, as much as I've EVER enjoyed an evening with someone else. Because I did what I wanted to. Ate dinner out at my favorite Thai place, cleaned a little, caught up on social media and enjoyed the outdoors a little.
It is getting pretty cold, but I remembered the snuggly robe Nikki bought me a few years back tucked in the back of my closet. It hasn't been used much, quite heavy. It was perfect for tonight's crisp temps. I wrapped up in it and sat on my little porch and looked at what was around me. The oaks against the partially lit sky. I saw moss I'd not noticed. The lights from the high rise condo's across the river. Beauty all around. Except the raccoons doing whatever they do to make that awful noise lol
I like my little place here. And when I stop my panic over whether I'll ever find love again and actually breathe, it is very healing. I piled pillows up on the floor, covered them with a nice soft comforter and lit some candles. I have on Moby Channel on Pandora. It's very nice. I need to breathe. I need to, as my friend said.... fish in shallow waters and catch and release. I am in no way ready to get into a relationship. I'm too broken still over the last. I need to get back to me, the real me who has been bottled up and twisted for 18 months. I don't even know who I am any more. With the drastic weight loss the image of me is ever changing. I love seeing the results and am beginning to put together cute outfits I never dreamed I'd ever wear again. Even Mr. Vanity said I really looked great, he didn't think I'd ever do it and he was proud of me..lol I am proud of me too!
Work went well considering I have a nasty head cold (provided hand sanitizer at my station lol) I'm making it. Not dancing a jig, but I'm making it. And tomorrow I will put one foot in front of the other, and remember tonight.
I sat there looking at all that beauty around me and thought "What if this were my last night. Would I do anything differently than I was doing at that very moment? I don't think so. I felt at peace. Everyone I love knows that without a doubt. The only kink, is that my relationship with my daughter is on the rocks right now. That piece of the puzzle would free my heart to fully bloom. I reached out. Time will tell.
I have to stop feeling that my heart is not full without someone filling a big part of it. I need to fill it myself and learn what that looks like.
