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10:05 p.m. - 2013-11-08
I hate me tonight
Where am I tonight? a week and a half since the crash and burn?

I am sad. It's hardest at night. It's hardest when I read things about aspergers from someone with it and imagine the way I've sounded to you for our whole relationship.....demanding you to be what I needed without taking into consideration just how limited you are to respond. Not having any idea just how chaotic chaos is to you and your sense of security. Knowing that I caused you intense pain last week when you were still spiraling from the loss of your mother.

I felt pretty stupid and even more at blame for my current despair after reading and letting it really wash over me, just how difficult things probably are to you whether you admit it or not. Not being able to handle more than one task at a time. Being puzzled by the simplest tasks....having no idea how to complete them. I know you've been teased and chuckling has gone on much behind your back. I experienced that in person when several people laughed when I told them I was dating you. Told me you were "out there" That has to have happened and you had to have sensed it. Being different. Not that you're not a genius at many things and once mastered, you do things well. You just weren't interested in matering us. And that hurts the most.

I imagine you've been teased, laughted at. Appreciated for your physical beauty, but people unable to understand who you really are, because you've learned so well to say and do what is the right thing. But it still comes off as pedantic speaking. Saying what people want to hear. Not being able to look anyone in the eye for long. Even your gait is somewhat different. There is not question to me that you are an Aspie. No touch....instant rage and impatience for people who take up too much time in a line....making a wrong term....people who chatter too much. And then there's the over the top love for animals that does not in any way transcend to humans.

And the comment about never ever letting anyone close enough to get hurt. Who hurt you so badly? Has there just been so much loss, with your mom, dad, your dog brother Sunny? bio dad, mother, and two friends who died far too young. Is it just too hard to take the chance another will leave?

Or is it just that your vanity causes you to think that now that you're getting your house in order, you will be freer to meet new women and possibly find one who doesn't rock your world. I hope you do find that person. I remember you saying in the beginning if I left you you would crawl back inside and never come back. Oh how I wish I really knew what you felt. Or if you even know how to feel.

I thought I knew alot about aspergers, and maybe I do. But I certainly never put what I knew into action. I wish I had. I miss our friendship.....even that was more comfort than the empty space now. I miss knowing that I'd hear from you. And seeing your smile every time I met you. Feeling your strong arms, and running my fingers through your beautiful hair. I always thought you were the most beautiful man I'd ever had the chance to be with. And I had no idea how important the things I took for granted really were. And how much I'd miss you. But I do. And I hope and pray you will see fit to forgive me and take another chance....while working on myself at the same time to stand stronger and once again pick up the pieces and continue. There have been a couple of days so painful I questioned if I would endure them. Tonight its a dull roar but I took a valium. I need to sleep. That is the only place I escape my runaway mind. All the questions. All the blame and regret. And the vision of you, with that smile that melts my heart firmly planted in my memory and popping up so often.

I'm such a freak. I am 55 and felt like a giddy teenager in the beginning and a rejected one now. Not mature enough to just move on and grow up and learn from this. What stunted me so badly that I cannot be mature and realistic about things? That I have to analyze everything and predict the future to feel safe. I believe it was that one damn near perfect relationship that tought me what real love could be like, how effortless. And I still ditched that. God, no wonder you'd never want to take a chance on me.... But knowing good love makes losing love so much harder. I feel like lightning can't possibly strike twice and I extinguished the fire on my own.

I hate me tonight.

 

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