11:01 p.m. - 2013-09-17
It's time to get wise/HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
I've been hesitant to come here because even I'm getting sick of my own whining.
I keep doing this round and round thing. The insanity thing, doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Yesterday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. I am 55. I own nothing. My car is only a third of the way done. I make a good living but have nothing but about 120 grand in thrift. If it even stays there and isn't swallowed up in some retirement thing. And rent my little place which is quite charming but you just cannot advance when you keep hitting the chutes. You have to hit those ladders.
MIstakes, I've made a few. Was that Willy? Oh God, the mistakes I've made. Some did make me stronger. Some hurt people. Some were perfectly innocent. As innocent as that day in kindergarten I remember so well. I misunderstood and lined up at the door. I got spanked for it by Mrs. Hargett and I was mortified. I was innocent! I was into the shrieking sobbing mode when she took me on her lap and the rose she wore shattered....petals falling to the ground. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. The hurt and humiliation of getting it for something you didn't deserve. And I feel that way alot of the time in my relationship.
I've made my final requests. At that point it's time to move to a period of separation until the house is finished. Bill cannot do more than one thing at a time and right now he is frantic to complete these home repairs. After a period of time, maybe we can be friends, maybe work harder at being partners and lovers. Or not. But I think it's time to part at least for a while. And that is so sad for me. I had so many daydreams about how really good things could be....about how I could create a lovely home and maintain it. Nurture. Work outside and landscape. Alternate meal cooking with Greg, his roommate. and even enjoy the dog. The dog I hated at first. THe roommate I hated at first. I was wrong. I am not afraid to admit being wrong.
But nobody said it better than Bonnie when she sang "I can't make you love me if you don't" and sadly all the good intentions in the world will not change things if I am too overwhelming for him or he just isn't interested in me because my body is not perfect enough. The vanity thing is exceptionally hard because I never know if it's ME, my body, his health issues, age....Hell, I've not been with a man over 40 in years. So it's all new territory to us both. His first deep relationship in 58 years. Smothered by his mother and had everything handed to him. With nothing asked in return. It wasn't just a challenge, it is an all out war. Daily. To continue to hope that one day I might see some affection...more communication. But the clock is ticking. 55. It's time to get wise.
