8:06 p.m. - 2013-09-14
Kayaking, healing, and helping others is the key to sunnier days. I've always known that.
The days do pass quickly. And at times it seems like the hurt will never go away. But I know better.
I did indeed make it to the water today. Vicki was nervous, alligator shy and took a while to warm up. Greg was anxious and wanted to go faster, but was pretty tolerant of the two of us blabbing, and trying to get her into a place of security with things. We did not see any Manatee but we did see some birds, and it was quiet and peaceful in the basin. Beautiful. When I start taking my area for granted I always regain my focus taking a drive through "the loop".
I lay in the hammock after I finally made it home. It was warm but not too warm. Just a hint of cool coming our way. I fell asleep and it was wonderful. I'm brown as a biscuit and one day will be sorry for it but for now it makes me feel just a little better about things. Color, they say.
And now so many choices. After three days of discipline, and a fair amount of hurt, I did hear from Bill. A very proper email asking when I'd like to go for my birthday, maybe tonight or tomorrow night, his treat (duh?) and to text him and let him know which would be good.
Really...after putting me through three days of hell wondering if I would ever hear from him again? Just like nothing ever happened.
This has been his m.o. forever. He withdraws because he is "furious" and needs to chill then he just comes back like nothing happened. Forget the fallout he left behind, HE's ok. And considering he shut down the only two other people in his life he had relationships with at the drop of a hat when they "disrespected" him....a long period of silence or withholding is never something I understand the meaning of. I won't play these games any more. Deal with your shit, and decide if it's doable. Or move on. No more catering. No more asking every day what the plan is. And I could care less about celebrating my birthday after three days where I had to really work at being ok. and happy. Begin to become myself again. Kayak, exercise. Eat better. Self soothe. I tried to illustrate the pain I'd felt by saying "picture walking up to Eddie (his hero dog) and just kicking the hell out of him for no reason" Although he did have reason to be disgruntled....speaking out about it at the time would have made a huge difference rather than saving it for ammo. But most of his anger was for something I did quite by honest accident.
So maybe this is the time to start drifting. I really didn't want it to be that way. I want a family so badly again....even a rather weird one. God knows I have a touch of the weird as well. If he's never going to put any more effort into us than he is, and after a year and nearly a half....it's unlikely, Ideally I'd like to meet him soon for a drink, give him all the rest of his mother's stuff I've been storing here for him. Hug him and tell him goodbye and thanks. And maybe in a while we can do some things together, realizing what it is. Friendship and only that. But I won't stay in something where I'm the only one working. I can't decipher ambiguous answers and non-emotion. This is too difficult.
I'm a little sad. But I'm going to find a really good show on Netflix or watch a movie, and think good thoughts. I'm cooking for a college student tomorrow to help out a bit. Going to do it once a week. She's trying to return to become an occupational therapy and has her hands full. This is who I am. I love helping others. This focus on others will do wonders on getting me back to who I used to be :(
Shameless PLUG:
Hey, check out my nephew, Casey's new clothing line if you're bold! www.freeupmovement.com It's a great concept, a little edgy but if you're young....kinda cool. Free yourself to your highest potential....push the envelope....never stop chasing your dreams, you just might catch em! Love his enthusiasm and boldness to take off on this business venture. He said, If I don't do anything but break even, if I lose money, this is something I believe in and I'm giving it a shot! I'm proud of him. I'm too old to wear it tho. Or not? lol I've never held back too much, ever :)
