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12:43 a.m. - 2013-07-27
Leap of Faith?
Here I am again. Sadness always brings me back here. Advisable though, instead of saying something to someone that I might regret.

It's been a very disappointing week. Depressing. I need a change. And that is why I just posted an ad for a possible mutual swap to Wisconsin.

Do I really think I'm ready to jump headlong into an entirely new life? Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

I watched my boyfriend, the person I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with, stare at pictures of someone I used to be with who is quite heavy with utter disgust, his face contorted and expressions very disgusting. I know these feelings are there, but I keep pushing them away. After last night, I just don't know if I can do that any more. His statement "Seeing that person doesn't make ME feel very good about myself"

Really?

I asked for an explanation. He said that all the things that I've said to him, the flattering things....mean so much less knowing that I would stoop so low as to (yes...he DID say it) climb in bed with THAT person.

My heart breaks.

I won't say looks are NOT important to me, but I fall for people for who they are ultimately. Looks only carry you so far. It's the heart that matters to me. He doesn't understand this. And that is a dealbreaker of sorts for me.

He doesn't NEED me. He's lived alone his entire life. Only had two serious relationships. I gave my all. And all I asked was to be wanted. Needed. I will carry 75 percent. Hell, I'd probably carry more. But I have to know that the person I'm giving my all to....at least appreciates my efforts.

I am beginning to really believe what I suspected long ago. I was in his life to care for his dying mother. To help him through that painful experience. Not to be his life partner.

So it's pick me up and start again time I fear. If my daughter were not going through a painful divorce here, I'd have no hesitation in just picking up and moving on. But I have that consideration to ponder in this matter. Time. Wait and see.

I remember a time when Bill said that he never crawled too far out on the limb so it was easy to run back. I've not only crawled all the way out...I'm hanging on by a tiny tiny branch. I can't live this way much longer. I'm an adventurer at heart. Maybe a change is just the answer now. I posted my job...I will see what transpires. I will leave it up to the universe or whatever power that is in charge. And lick my wounds and carry on.

I ran off to the movies tonight. My escape and companion. Saw a wonderful movie called "The Way Way Back". It only reinforced my belief that one man's trash is another's treasure. Like the young man in the movie, my mother made me feel less than. So did my father. But many many have made me feel so special. And I know I am. I cannot let a mere man drag me down to a place where I feel once again...less than.

I threw the log Patty gave me on the fire pit tonight. It's probably 88 degrees out here, but the glow is nice. And tomorrow will be another day.

 

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