11:53 p.m. - 2013-07-17
Questions again. Settling?
As I look around my cozy little home, humble though it may be....I realize how much I've allowed myself to lose myself.
There are pieces of me all around. The wall hanging, the only thing I clung to from my relationship with Diana...that so eloquently states the path I feel I've been on. The black and white photos I had done of Bill, his mother and I just before she passed away. The sunshine rocking art piece with the eyes that move back and forth from Asheville.
I commissioned Harding to do the photo shoot after his work caught my eye as he proudly displayed his pieces on several occasions to my coworker. I just saw him as someone at first, who took up way too much of our time and could be rather annoying. And could use a good shower. Oh and had the longest eyebrows I've ever seen..lol Harding is quite the character. We had some wonderful conversations. Working solely with natural lighting and black and white canvas, his pictures captured something unique. So we set our date and set out to create our own uniqueness.
this was some ordeal. From collecting black turtle neck shirts to finding just the right angle for lighting while watching one of the most eccentric and delightful people I've ever known try to capture magic was quite the experience. But when the pictures were unveiled at Thanksgiving in front of my family, Bill's mother was aghast. Embarrassed. They made her look "old" she said.
It made me sad. What I saw when I looked at the picture was her gently tilting her head toward the love of her life. Billy was an only child, found and adopted after ten years of waiting. Herby gave her everything to him. When I look at the picture I still see the little boy and his adoring mom. I don't see old.
Then there was the picture of Billy and I. He said he looked like "Father Time". What I saw was love in my eyes....genuine and true love as I let my hand rest softly on his broad shoulders. Such a handsome man.
And then a shot of him alone.....capturing so much the "Teh Heh" which is entirely ANOTHER story....just suffice to say I thought these pictures were fabulous. $314 and worth every cent. And even more-so that they were the only ones that I know of that had she and Billy together. The first and last. I had no idea that when we posed for those pictures she would be gone in just months.
She was old. 86. How I would LOVE to make it that many years and be as vital as she was. But she WAS old. And in my eyes....beauty has alot less to do with outer appearances than what lies within another's heart.
And this is likely going to be the undoing of my relationship. Because my Billy....holds the same feelings about outer appearances as she did. He saw a picture of me when I was over thirty pounds heavier and said he would not have dated me at that weight. Really....this stung...I've never judged someone I loved by outward appearances. It just didn't matter. Nor has anyone ever judged ME for it. Ironically though I find this is the most outwardly pleasing person appearance-wise I've ever been in a relationship with.
I wonder...will I ever be really loved again. I had it once. And I took it for granted. But I want to be loved well. I want to know that someone's heart smiles a little when I come into view or make a silly little joke. I want to know that someone wants to touch me. Not just sexually...but wants to put an arm around me, hold my hand. I guess this is a very typical woman's view at this age. At 55 I'm so much wiser about what I want and need. And learning to be more independent every day. And I know that Billy possesses many characteristics that most men his age do not have because it's kind of like having never been married he was "preserved" lol if you will. He's a good guy. Caring. But the giant A will all ways be there. And constant that desire to have the one beside me who wakes up each morning feeling grateful that we met. I can be that for someone. I have that nurturing heart that wants to take care of someone. And when I'm not able to fulfill that, it feels empty. And I do not think Billy is going to be the person who wants that life. He wants to be with someone when he needs them and unfortunately is unable to understand another's needs. I don't know if this is more because his mother did everything for him or because of the A qualities. Oh my how in this world do I get myself into these relationships? Find the strangest friends? Probably because I'm inherently strange myself. But also, very good, and kind. With alot to offer. I don't know if I can do this or not. I certainly need reflection time....and If I don't initiate as usual...I most likely will easily get that.
So Now really is all we have. Now.
