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12:42 a.m. - 2010-02-07
Total Me
It's cool enough to require a light covering but not too cool to keep me from a relaxing evening by the pool with candles aglow. I'm listening to the Avatar soundtrack, a perfect compliment to the evening. I can see the glow ahead from the racetrack. Daytona Speed Weeks are in full swing. I can even hear the low roar of the engines even though we're about 10 miles away. It's funny how really big these events are to so many people and we float through the area oblivious to what's going on around us most of the time. I've never gotten into racing, except for my infield adventure a couple years ago. Taking in the infield gang is an experience everyone should have at least once in their lifetime. I never saw such a display of primitive creativity in my life. Everything from makeshift bars to "How Big Are Yours?" booth set up complete with templates where breasts should be hoisted for measurement. It was quite an eye opener..lol

Today was a good one. I spent more time with my grandson than I've ever spent before. We played with trains on the ground and we chased each other around the yard. We went to "Let's Play" which would have been more aptly named "Let's sit around and visit with other parents while our kids run wild". I even slid down the kiddie slide with Caden at the park. A most frightening visual..lol It was all good. A very very satisfying day.

AND Diana and Lee got the garage door opener installed. Only took them 6 (ugh) hours. But it's DONE.

And now, Diana is fast asleep, and the night is nearly still except for the occasional car heading home and the faint crackle of the candle on the table in front of me....total peace. Total relaxation. Total me.

I find that although I'm very comfortable with the progress Diana and I are making I still have some very dark days. I see a movie that I know Kim would have related to in exactly the same way as me, or I hear a song I know would thrill her and my mind just wanders back to that place. It's not in any way a sexual thing. When I have allowed my mind to drift back THERE, I've never been the least aroused by the thoughts. But at those times when a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen seem so distant...she's there in the back of my mind...in the memories of the laughs we did share. The friendship element of it all. The place where things SHOULD have been left. That's what hurts. And that is where I lack. I have no person to fill that space in my life. It's just not that easy to form that kind of connection Would I exchange what I have with Diana for that?...of course not. I have long since realized that any desire to continue contact with Kim is both unrealistic and extremely disrespectful to Diana. Have I been faithful this time? Absolutely! It takes a strong desire to make sure that this relationship is my LAST. And I do believe I've got that one down this time...... But I can't deny all these feelings are a part of me. I won't deny it. And I hope for a day sooner than later when the scars have ALL healed. For BOTH of us.

 

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