1:12 p.m. - 2009-12-12
UpSs and DoWnS
I gasp for breath as my face hits the surface. I manage to choke in another round of oxygen before I'm sucked deep to the depths again.
This is the way my life has felt for a while. Joy and pain, horror and hope. There has been much healing in my relationship with Diana but there is alot of progress still to be made. I am never really prepared for the dark times. Something is said, misunderstood, and grows into a cancer that can't be controlled. And from there it's really hard to find my way back to a better place. Today I've caught myself about 4 times already thinking of saying something that could potentially start a flashover. And I guess that is good. At least I'm THINKING.
I am far too much like my dad. He had such a huge heart but he was a total neurotic. He'd get hold of something that upset him with Mom and he had to plant himself in my house, or on the phone, and tell us every little detail to defend his position. She nagged and he took the bait. And their confrontations were alot like Diana's and mine. Impasse. Long silences. Today everything is back to "normal" but I wonder how many episodes a relationship can take before it implodes totally. I usually am the one to try and right things. We are both stubborn as bulls. I never had this with Craig. There was never a power struggle. I guess I just got my way in every other relationship and didn't learn good partnering skills.
We've been baking together, listening to classic alternative and chatting. Cooking together is an activity we enjoy. I threw together two batches of homemade rolls that are rising as I type, while she compiled a new stuffing and a wonderful cucumber salad. We cook too well, and too bad. After the holidays we must explore healthier avenues.
We're going to a Karaoke party tonight with new friends Deb and Darlene. I'm not sure I'll be "happy" enough to undertake Karaoke, especially since it's a "gong show" format and my ego is fragile..lol I'll see how "happy" I am by the time we begin.
Timer just rang for the rolls....time to fill the house with the smell of freshly baked bread!!
