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9:06 p.m. - 2009-10-26
\"Home\" at Last
If I can get Maggie off my lap, I'm going to try and get an entry in here..lol She's been clinging to me so closely since Di was away. I lay on my side, she's right there on top of my side. If I'm sleeping with my legs slightly apart, she's burrowed into the space left between them. I love the little thing, but I will be glad when Di comes home tonight and she has someone else to cling to.

My world has calmed beyond belief. A near miracle I might say. The past year and a half has been such a time of turmoil, pain, mistakes, nothing good has come of it and if I could I would wipe it away forever. When I think of how close I can to giving away the treasure that I have in Diana, it scares me. For what? I always knew in my heart that Kim was not for me....and everyone else affirmed that as well from my therapists to my confidantes. But I continued to play the game, and perpetuate the chaos. Friendship would have been great, but more than that would have always been short-lived. It always was.... She's not Diana. And I know now that with Diana is where I want to be. She came into the post office today and surprised me and I felt my heart skip a beat. It was a surprising feeling and one I haven't experienced in a while. She told me she had some time and asked me if I'd like her to pack up some of my things from the condo. "Are you SURE?" I asked her. She bounced it right back...."Are YOU sure?" I replied..."Yes, I am."

So we have this chance, as amazing as it seems to me after all that I've done to her over the past 18 months, to begin our adventure again, fresh. I really believe this time, she's ready to forgive. Maybe not forget, but move on and not punish me for the past. The distraction lurking in the background is there no longer. I have learned where there's work to be done, and so has she, ....but I see so many good times ahead. There will be trips to enjoy,kayaking and camping, cooking together, holidays to host, someone by my side who can make my grandmother laugh when nobody else can reach her...and someone I can be sure will never leave me. I hate to saddle her down with my old ass when I'm senile and crotchety.....but she does excel with the elderly...lol God, I'm grateful to have this chance, this LAST chance.... thankfully it was not too late.... Sometimes the pain we endure feels like the storm of the century...and suddenly, the clouds part and you get the most beautiful rainbow you've ever seen. Thank you God, for my rainbow. Thank you for Diana.

 

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