11:27 p.m. - 2008-10-01
Not sleepy but I should be.....
Just finished another successful night of fishing. Caught two keepers, cleaned them, put them away, cleaned up the mess and I'm exhausted. But I can't go to sleep yet.
I am sad tonight a little. I am not even sure why. I think I'm pushing too hard to do too much. I used to think it was Diana driving us to run, but I'm beginning to see it's more me. We fished from 6 til 10. It was fun, and after catching a few, it was hard to stop but it left no time for real talking, or building and we do need to build now.
I've been thinking tonight alot about the fact that Diana still ponders going back to Stacey, and that sure, solid life. I understand that totally. We all want a sure life, something we can depend on. And I've certainly given her little reason to believe that I can give her that, whether things look pretty good now or not. She still asks where I am when I drift away, and still asks constantly if I'm "ok". I know what she means. I am ok for the most part. But Yeah, I do miss Kim. When I see a bird flying I think of the plans we had to go see the vultures fly and hear their wings flap and the incredible sound of it. I think about her sense of humor, and I think about the good times we did have, although clouded with so much shit that it's hard to pull out many that weren't soiled with it all. I miss my friend, and I guess I always will. And I don't know if Diana can handle that or if I should even expect her to be able to. I think this is all normal but who is to judge that? A therapist, other people who tell me this or that? I think losing anyone you are fond of under any circumstances leaves a period of loneliness and mourning. I do want to have that stable life with Diana. I do see a good life that we could have. But am I ever going to be enough for her to hold on to? Am I ever going to be able to satisfy her needs in the way she needs them satisfied again?
I am getting more and more comfortable every day living here. I made a comment last night about maybe six months from now, or then maybe when the lease is up or a year from now we might move back together. She kind of snapped at me. She said I'm "all over the place" and I am. I love coming home for lunch. I absolutely adore the river and living so close. I love entertaining in MY home. But when I'm in hers, it still feels like mine sometimes and sometimes not. I just don't know how things will go regarding us moving back in together, we are just taking it one day at a time. I do love her so much, and enjoy spending time with her. We have so many good memories. There were alot more good ones than bad. And I think that is the reason I couldn't let her go, even when I knew she'd be better off without me.
Kim seems to be doing pretty well and I'm glad for her. It does bother me that she drinks so much, but it's not my issue to worry about now. I hope the urge will subside some after some healing takes place. She told me that she got so drunk that she was unresponsive. She puked so much she bloodied her eye. I worry about that, because I feel so responsible for causing her so much pain. I feel so guilty. It comes and goes but when it comes, I just feel awful, as I should. I have been so selfish, and so uncaring with people I supposedly loved.
Well, better head off to bed. Diana retired a while ago. I will need some rest to get through another trying day at the post office tomorrow. This morning started off with management having to call the cops over a gal who was ranting about her mail not being up in time. It's always something there.....
