9:11 p.m. - 2008-09-29
Shades of Sadness and Joy
I am feeling a bit weary and a bit sad so I come to the place where my feelings can be freely felt. Don�t get me wrong, I am able now to convey my feelings to Diana, and that is immensely satisfying�..but sometimes there are just feelings that must be thrown to cyberspace. Feelings, that must just be spoken silently, just so they are allowed a venue for escape.
I met Kim tonight to give her back her stuff. Again. How many times have we done this�.three? Four? It went pretty well, overall. But the worst part of it was the confrontation revolving around the text message I received from her the other night at 11:30.
We had just gone to bed, and things were going well. I was seeing more light at the end of the tunnel than I�d seen in months of crying, worrying, suicidal thoughts, and many other things. I felt like there was hope. And then it came.
It was a jumbled mess of letters but from the jumble I could recognize the words �Mission accomplished, or something to that effect.� Kim had succeeded in getting smashed, drowning her pain in a bottle. Another text� �I hve go pgee�. By this time, I was getting annoyed and frustrated. How soon I forget, the many many texts I sent in same shape at all hours of the day and night. And finally a third text�.when I replied �sorry to hear that, hope you are accomplishing what you set out to do� And she responded with something totally unreadable that I later found out was something like �I don�t want to feel the pain.�
After Diana asked me to stop texting back, I asked her to reply to Kim and just say that we are trying hard to work on things, and please respect that.
Tonight Kim and I talked about this incident. She said �All the times you did those things to me, I offered you nothing but grace, and acceptance, and I deserve THAT??� I felt so low, so ashamed. I felt so horrible to have taken perfectly good love and thrown it into the ground and tromped on it as if it meant nothing. I mean this regarding both Diana AND Kim. And each of them continued to give me chance after chance.
Kim is doing better. She told me tonight she thinks that Diana and I can have a happy life. But she said that I will be losing out. Losing out on her. She is worthy of someone who can give her what she deserves and I was not that person. I have got to move beyond the guilt, and I thought I was making progress, but tonight has been really tough. I know Di and I can have a happy life, but I am losing out. We never got a chance to see if love could bloom, but I am missing out for sure on someone interesting, funny, knowledgeable about SO many things, and compassionate beyond anyone I�ve ever known. I miss my friend. That is what I mean by the constant repeating of �I wish things had not gone beyond that friendship�. Not that there could not have been something else, but that I KNEW what I could have had, what the potential was for an incredible friendship, and now I have nothing where there could have been so much.
I know this all will pass. It just feels lonely tonight.
I have been so incredibly lucky in my life. I�ve loved at least three people passionately. I�ve had three beautiful children, and one and a half grandchildren. My grandmother (although I�d like to kill her at times) has lived to the ripe old age of 90 years. My mother and I have reconciled our differences and I was lucky enough to have that last year with Dad before he died to do the same. I have a good job, and have no worry about being laid off. I am healthy, and interesting, and attractive, and constantly reaching for more. More knowledge, more understanding, more compassion. I want to reach higher and higher to my highest capability and NEVER, EVER hurt another human being the way I�ve hurt two these last 5 months.
I want to move beyond the fear, and flow into a life of gratefulness, and wonder. Stay tuned��
