11:41 p.m. - 2008-09-28
Brighter days
This is my first entry in a long time. It's the first time I've been able to write with some peace in my soul.
It's been a week since I made the decision that has shaped my peace. Last weekend Diana told me that she was seriously thinking about going back to her ex. She was dead serious about it, and I knew that if she did, it would be for life. She would never again be able to leave Stacey or cause her the kind of pain that she's put her through several times. I approached this news very rationally at first. I told her that it had been "all about me" for the past five months and now it was all about her. If she needed to do this, then she must follow her heart. In my heart though, I was fearful. I have not been able to let go of her during this whole mess. There was just too much there. Too many memories. Too much laughter. Too many chapters not yet written.
We sat there a while, talking, mostly Diana doing the talking. I listened with little response. Out of the blue, she asked me if she could hug me. I was open to that....open to most anaything. I felt very much at ease with whatever progressed at that point. She hugged me, and we kissed, and suddenly she was pushing me into the bedroom.
This was the beginning of what has been a surprisingly good week. The next day we had our friend Eddie over, and cooked for him. It was just like old times. Entertaining has always been something we shared a passion for and we had a very good time with Eddie. I saw that things COULD actually return to the place where we got so far off the path. I made up my mind that I would put everything into making it work. And for a week, I have done just that. No contact with Kim. Only to explain my position, and it was horrible. I had to listen to her anguish, feel the pain of all that I have put her through. I have always heard her say things like "What can I do to help you?" and understanding from her about the fact that I still had so much unrsolved love for Diana. The last contact we had was gut wrenching. She was understandably very upset and bitter. I deserved every bit of it but it was hard to hear. I honestly was very selfish throughout this whole incident, satisfying MY needs and caring very little about anyone else's. She told me through tears that "She gave me her heart and I stomped on it". and I felt like I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. She doesn't think I understand, but i do. I've had my heart broken before too, although most times i must say I have been the perpetrator. I'm not proud of that. But I have felt intense and crushing pain over relationship issues. The past four and a half months have been crushing for all of us.
Why Diana hung on and gave me yet another chance is beyond my comprehension, but I'm grateful she did. We have found that the affair has strengthened us in alot of ways. Most certainly we would have split up if it had not happened because we were not at all on the same page, and there were alot of issues that we were either not aware of or were aware of and didn't put the effort into trying to fix. We both have learned things about ourselves and each other that will help us in the future. I do think we will have a future. I have felt calm, and I have felt like this is the right thing to do. I have not wavered. I have not had to fight the urge to call Kim. Of course I miss her. Of course I wish that none of this had ever happened and we would have been able to be such good friends. But those things, I cannot change. I seriously doubt that she'll ever want to talk to me again and I understand that. I also know that there would always be insecurity with Diana even if she did want to talk to me. I will always be her friend, in my heart. I will always care, and will hope that she will find that person who will walk beside her. I have felt immense guilt, concern, and caring all this week for how she is doing, but I know that now that she knows that I'm serious about trying to make things work with Diana, she WILL lean on her friends. In the past, she would not because she was afraid they would hate me. I urged her to do it now, that I don't care if they DO hate me, it's more important that she get the support she needs. I never ever intended to make such a mess of things. I had alot of good times with her but we never did have the chance to see where it could go from there. Maybe that was a blessing. For both of us. I'm a pretty good frirend, but my partnership skills need work.
Diana has changed. She is letting go of alot of the little things that drove me crazy. I have changed. I am more concernerd about her needs now. I am cooking more, and taking charge of my responsibilities rather than let her shoulder most of them because she would. We spent the weekend fishing and caught a variety of fish. It was great fun. We do share alot of the same interess. We do still love each other a great deal. And with alot of work, and perseverance....I know we can regain the ground we lost, and more likely be even stronger.
I saw my Spiritualist today. He said some interesting things. He focused on balance, and being in the moment, seeing those as the two big issues I have. Couldn't have hit the nail more on the head. I am working on both of these things. I am developing new interests, and enjoying my independence, my own home, and being in charge of my life. I look forward to many bright days ahead, and seeing the beauty in the simple things....a sunrise, the kindness of a stranger, making others happy...and improving my family relationships. Mom and I are closer than ever. Nikki will deliver my second grandchild in two months. Life is good.
