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10:34 p.m. - 2008-08-21
The pity party is over
I just called my good friend Doreen. I was looking to find an AA meeting but she doesn't feel like that is what I need. I am going to try and look up emotions anonymous. She suggested that. I need help. I have lost the most precious thing in my life and as Doreen reminded me although she didn't have to, it was all my doing. There is no fault I can place on anyone but myself. Now that I see how much pain I've caused myself, how truly wrong I was by knowing that I have lost this beautiful relationship, I cannot stand to feel. I cannot eat, I throw up everything I try to eat. I cannot sleep unless I take enough medication to get through the night. I went to refill my Xanax and they were hesitant because it was not time enough. I lied and told them that I washed some pills down the sink and they gave it. It helps to take a couple of those with the Tylenol P.M. to really keep me asleep.

I had to do something very hard today. I called Kim and told her that I loved Diana and realized that I'd made a huge mistake. I told her that I had to cut all ties. I could hear the sadness, the tears in the phone and it was so unbearable to know that I've not only fucked up two lives, but a third. But all I can do now is think that if one of us had backed away I would not be going through this pain. I want to place blame on someone else besides myself because it hurts just too damn much. Why didn't I come to this conclusion when I still had a chance? Why didn't I force myself to step back and really look at this. Why have I continued this destructive pattern in my life until it hit me like nothing has ever hit me before. Maybe it is to teach me lessons, hard lessons in life. Doreen said she went through the same thing but she recovered. I know that is possible but things look so bleak that it seems impossible right now. I miss my stable life. I miss all the good things I gave up. I miss just knowing that no matter that problems were there, we were buddies....we fit together like great buddies and were able to just enjoy life and experience so many new things.

Right now I am planning to camp next weekend alone. I am hoping that the nature I love so much will give me time to pray, and to search myself for healing. But camping also brings back so many memories of the great times Diana had with me camping. It's so sad...she didn't like kayaking and now she's so into it. She hadn't cared for camping so much, but doing it with me built a love for it. She was so giving, and so kind to me, nursing me through some of the worst times of my life. If only we could have gotten to the root of things Then three lives could have been spared so much agony.

I've been so immature, so crazy to hurt people the way I have. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to call Kim and tell her what I knew would be devastating to her. But I can't go on with that when I know it can't go anywhere and that it was a piece of this puzzle that cost me so much. I know she has plenty of friends to get her through this.

I am going to therapy with two different people. They are trying to help me and I am going to give them that opportunity instead of listening and not following their advice. Nobody believes me, but I believe myself this time. There is no hesitation that I can put my life back together and be the person I was 7 years ago when I felt like I was the happiest I've ever been. Before the pot invaded my mind. Before I began these wild dreams about not being good enough so that I had to sabotage every good thing that came into my life. I am going to work on helping others when I can stop the crying and begin to heal again. If I throw myself into that, then I can take my focus away from feeling sorry for all I have done. I will never do this to another person again. If problems arise, I will work toward them until they are resolved. People do that all the time. Most people are not so self absorbed that they only want what they want. And in a relationship that is absolutely vital. I only looked out for my ego, for my own path to happiness and stomped on everyone in the way only to find that the last laugh is on me. this pity party has to end, and I know it will. Doreen said I just need to look into the mirror and laugh. And that will make me start to laugh. She said that the 12 steps would make me stronger but I just have to find the right group. I want to see that face when I come through the door. the face that so lovingly took care of my needs. Too many of my needs because it made me even more selfish and took advantage of Diana. I cry wolf this time, but the wolf is approaching fast. this time it's not a joke. This time, it just might catch up with me. Sorry seems to be a word I will never be able to use again, because nobody will believe me for a very long time. Nobody will believe anything I say. And that is ALL my fault.

I'm going to stop writing here for a while because I know that I sound idiotic and self pitying. I will keep a personal journal for myself and save it to remember that the next time I am involved with anyone, I don't want to put them or myself in this much pain again.

 

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